Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Cpt SC

I discovered tonight that there is a pretender to the title of LowCholesterol Man. Doesn't surprise me in the least, envied as I know myself to be. In fact I know who it is. I won't reveal his civilian identity, but he is my former sidekick. I should say my old sidekick, since he is technically a senior citizen. Nothing wrong with that, as long as he knows his place. But he doesn't.

When he worked with me he was known as Captain Skinlesschicken. The dude was such a cliche. He wore a rubber chicken costume -- you know, featherless. So predictable. And a derby, monocle and cane. A real Mr. Peanut. It was embarrassing. His catchphrase was, "I say old top, let's wax 'em, what?" Just lame. Then he'd spill some oil on the ground and hope the villains would slip. Pathetic. His nemesis Colon Boy loved oil. He used to scatter fiber around and slurp up the goo. It augmented his strength. Captain Skinlesschicken never figured that out. A little Alzheimeric. No blame, but it sort of argued against this whole health thing, which is sort of the point about my supermission.

So now Skinlesschicken is pretending to be me. Apparently he's going to health fairs and cholesterol screenings demanding that his blood be tested, and then he crows about how low his TC is. Of course his LDL is measurable, which mine is not, and his triglycerides aren't all that impressive, but the guy is stuck in the Fifties. Read a book, man. It's not about the total score -- it's ratios. Not a hard concept. But he never could change his ideas, or admit when he was wrong. Hence, former sidekick.

I don't suppose I really mind. Nobody mistakes him for me. Nobody who knows me -- as LowCholesterol Man that is. I'm much taller than he is. And I don't always say, "I say old top, let's wax 'em, what?" But it's annoying, because I've spent a lot of time building up this identity, and LwchlstrlMn has a lot of cachet in the superhero community. I'm not like the prop comic Gallagher, who franchises out his character to just any stringy bald guy. (Watermelons are very healthful.) So that's a bother. I'll just overlook it. Because I know where he lives, and it would be so easy for me tip off Colon Boy, now Dark Lumen, about how to find him. Old bugger deserves it. But that's just not me.

It is incidentally true that Skinlesschicken has lower cholesterol than I do. My ratios are much better though. And my superpowers are far more impressive. What's such a big deal about splashing oil all over the place? It was omega 6 oil anyway. Heart UNhealthy. He was hopeless. I convince people all the time to give up their unhealthful habits. I've saved countless lives as LCM. And I'm environmentally friendly. Old Nestor drives a '64 Galaxy, for crying in the soup. Nestor Gould, of 5676 Fairfax Ave, near Wilshire. Hopeless. He deserves what he gets.


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