Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Greasy Dick

What a dick. Keith Olbermann. Did I spell it right? Olbermann? I'd hate to make a serious mistake like that. Misspelling. Brr. I mean, a serious thing like that. It would undermine not just my point, but my philosophy and those who tend to agree with me.

I'm talking care of someone's dog, and that, combined with a need to not think at all for a little while, has resulted in my sitting in front of the TV for an hour or so a few times this week. So I saw part of something wherein this character Olbermann was attacking a Fox talking head named Glenn Beck. You'll know it all better than I.

O got all didactic and pedantic, with clips and stuff, too complex for me to really follow, but it seems Beck misspelled something, left out a "c" in a word on the chalkboard. I came in late. I'm guessing. It's all really highbrow stuff, that only a guy with really well-tended hair could understand or articulate. My hair is too short for that. But O talked really fast for quite a while about that, filling up his airtime. He's pretty. And I could tell that he was semi-tumescent over it. He glowed, and his lips were a little loose and slobbery.

Then he got positively rigid about the fact that Beck had misquoted TR's saying -- an African saying actually -- about carrying a big stick. That's probably what got Olbermann so aroused. Get it? Cuz a big stick is like a penis, and Olbermann is so gay. Maybe a little jungle fever at work here? Cuz a hightoned intellectual like O would know everything there is to know about Roosevelt and African sayings.

Well -- and follow along, cuz it gets complicated -- Beck had said, "Walk softly and carry a big stick." Git it!?!?!!! Did you see?!?!!!?!?! Walk softly. WALK!!!! HAAAAAAHAAAA!!!!! But that's NOT IT!!!!! Olbermann enjoys a full release all over it. He ejaculates in a shuddering climax that it's TALK!!! "TALK softly and carry a big black penis!!!!" I quote from memory, but I'm sure about the TALK -- cuz it sounds so much like walk, see, which is Beck's stupid, ignorant and unforgivable mistake, that invalidates any point he did or could ever hope to make.

But it's not "Talk softly and carry a big stick." It's "Speak softly."

What. A. Dick.

But that's not why he's a dick. I wonder if being a dick is genetic. Is Olbermann's mother a dick? His daughter, if he had one? His "wife"? -- if he's not the wife? Are they dicks, or some near equivalent? I only ask because I'm sort of convinced by Olbermann, that people who like Beck are just as bad and evil as he is. I like that reasoning, because it opens the door for me to get personal without evidence and attack Olbermann and his family, who must be dicks. That seems fair, right?

Olbermann is a dick because he attacks Beck for making mistakes while speaking extemporaneously. You know, not reading it off a teleprompter. It's a really good thing to attack that sort of mistake. Because they are so substantive. My own students never learned anything from me, because I sometimes wrote too fast on the chalkboard. They were damaged for life. It's why I don't teach anymore. The guilt was too much.

There Olbermann is, reading his carefully practiced attack essay, composed and proofread and corrected by his staff, about what a fool Beck is for making mistakes while speaking without notes.

Disagreeing doesn't make us dicks. Taking unfair advantage does. What a ball of grease.


1 comment:

bob k. mando said...

the real kicker?

O has made some doozy mistakes. in spite of the prompter and proofreaders.