Friday, October 9, 2009

Sweet Victory at Last Finally Prevails!

Oslo, October 9 (FP) -- The American President Barack H Obama Friday won the Nobel Peace Prize on account of "his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples." He did this by performing fellatio on a chain-gang of moslem diplomats, in a public ceremony conducted in Cairo, to the wild cheers of the ecstatic throng of admirers. Further overtures were conducted behind closed doors, and all President Obama would reply to the numerous queries tossed his way regarding the details was, "I took one for the team. Then another one. And another..." trailing off with the charming smile for which he is so renowned.

Secretary of State H Clinton commented, "It's about time America got bee-effed, royally. God I hate this stinking country. Ignorant Bible-thumping racist scum." Further comments were drowned out by cheers from the assembled reporters.

The award came as a complete surprise to virtually every expert, since Obama had been president for less than two weeks at the time of the nomination deadline. The fact that he had accomplished literally nothing, nor anything since, is a mere irrelevance. Hope itself is after all an emotion, immeasurable as aether, yet by it are we not buoyed unto the highest um heights of uh hope? Let us then come together in a like a sort of uh really happy and good place where children can run and grow free in peace and love forever and let freedom ring that all men may not ask who is a Berliner or the bell tolls.

In winning the Prize, Obama joins the ranks of such giants as Woodrow Wilson, who ended war, and Yasir Arafat, who solved the Middle East slash Jewish Problem. The United Nations won the Prize in 2001, because it's so good at peace-keeping and not molesting children, and in 2002 super-genius Jimmy Carter won because he was not George Bush. Real-president Al Gore won the Nobel Prize for Literature and Peace in 2007, for his brilliant retelling of the Chicken Little story, which cautionary tale in his iteration has saved the world so far, although carbon emissions will kill us all by the end of the decade, or by 2012, whichever comes first. And Hitler won it too, by default, from 1939 to 1943. I'm sure Stalin and Mao are on the list somewhere as well.

Said Nobel Committee Chairwoper Ima Dumphuk, "Sure he hasn't done anything, but it helps a lot that Obama is not white. I guess his mother was, but he has distanced himself from her sufficiently. A lot of your coloreds in America want to pass, it's the thing over there, but uf da, no way Jose, for Obama. Ta det med ro."

In a related story, it seems that the island nation of Tuvalu is sinking not because of Climate Change and rising ocean levels, but because they have been pumping out ground water, causing the atoll to sink. This of course just goes to prove how Global Warming is a fact. Otherwise why would they need the water? Duh.


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