Friday, January 1, 2010


What brobdingnagian self-control has restrained my hand heretofore I cannot say. But it is enough. I must speak, if hand can speak, at long long last. Of my beauty. I'm so damn hot. I just can't get over myself. And why would I want to. Too bad that I -- English first person singular pronoun, capitalized by convention -- can't be even more capitalized when in reference to myself. Myself, capitalized.

So it came as a shattering shock, like the Fall of Lucifer, like the Great Flood, like Armagedon, like the heavens rolling back and creation set aflame, that I awoke this rosy-hued dawn to find my face, my radiant face, swollen and lopsided like an overripe eggplant. Like one of those Goya masks made famous from that Twilight Zone episode.

How can sleep, which hems together the soul's ragged sleeve, be so harsh to one so good? The lustrous quality of my noble heart should be preserved, yea, burnished by midnight's gentle ministrations. Instead, it looks like I was pumped full of overwatered portland cement. But my body is still fabulous. Oy. Don't get me started. I'm a bit concerned about my breasts though. They're so big, muscular I mean. We call them breasts, right?

It's just not right, about my face. I blame Obama. My health has not been sufficiently cared for. Sure, I do my part, but whose job is it after all. Washington's. I demand a more effective eye cream. Mine just isn't picking up the slack. Can't wait for all that free liposuction and surgical toe-straightening and mandatory eyebrow sculpting. I'm looking for a nipple reduction -- well, areola. My nips are fine. A little sensitive sometimes, but that's highly normal. I'm a tad concerned about my prostate though. It has broken loose and is wandering around my body, like ovaries do in hysterical females. I can feel it sometimes, moving around, like right now, where it's in my left armpit. Uncomfortably enlarged, about the size of a granny smith apple, but as one of my several sexual organs I expect it to be freakishly large. That's very attractive in Evolutionary terms to females. That's why they're all after me, grabbing and groping and pushing and clawing at me. Come to think of it, that's why my face is all swollen. But I better not talk about that. Heh heh.

So, um, that's that then. New Years Eve was wild. This is gonna be the best decade ever. Just cannot wait to see what comes. I've lived in seven decades, you know. You should listen to me. I'm very smart, and handsome.


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