Sunday, July 18, 2010

Some Facts about Jack H

Across countless millennia, mere men have admired, nay, revered Jack H to the fullest extent that the human heart is capable. And rightly so. Jack H has never broken an egg. He has constructed a language by which ants may communicate with bees, and he speaks sign-language with Big Foot.

During the span of a red light stop Jack H can teach anyone to hold his or her breath for at least 45 minutes. He holds the world record for backward closed-eye one-legged tightrope hopping, both speed and endurance. He is irresistible to all women, but has remained a virgin (with one exception) for compassionate reasons.

Jack H knows how to unicycle, and where Osama bin Laden is hiding. He invented ice-sculpting. He built the world's tallest sand castle. He is a master electrician. He was the model for each title character in The Magnificent Seven.

More radio song requests have been dedicated to Jack H than to any to any other person, living or otherwise. He once deliberately forgot how to generate economically viable cold-fusion energy. He knows how to play baseball, basketball and American football.

Jack H spot-composes countless operas, libretto in haiku form, using only percussive instruments, for which he wins Nobel Prizes in Musicology, a category established for him. He floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee, knows that winning is the only thing and that nice guys finish last. He never loses. He knows a Fourth member of the Trinity, a Fifth Noble Truth, a Sixth Pillar of Islam, a Ninth Path-fold, and the nine-billion-and-first Name of God.

Nobody has ever not repaid a debt they owed Jack H. He has an extra appendix. He tutors at-risk inner city youth in the art of topiary. The outline of his shadow hangs in the foyer of the Louvre. He found Saddam Hussain's spider hole.

Jack H has earned tens of millions of dollars lecturing on superconductors, and donates all proceeds to the worthy poor. Not content simply to dispose of garbage and automatically wash dishes, Jack H can climb any wall he sees, and applies the arcane principles of feng shui masterfully to the redesign of inartful public monuments. He still uses the Dewey Decimal System. He created an object so heavy that even he can't move it. To amuse a sick child, he once memorized the complete works of Bulwer-Lytton. Variations in his spelling become standard.

Jack H averted al-Qaeda's next attack. He has successfully amended the Second Law of Thermodynamics. He never wears polka dots -- he does wear polka stripes. He alphabetizes street addresses as he passes them. He has never believed a lie. He has never received junk email. He never blinks.



bob k. mando said...

but does he know how to roundhouse kick?

Anonymous said...

Too funny.

From where do you come up with these things?

Anonymous said...

Amazing that Jack H.!! I suppose that if the sky was a scroll and the ocean was ink the heavens could not contain the appropriate praise for the dear boy.

Jack H said...

Jack H is pleased by the sincere albeit inadaquate recognition of his ... well, "perfection" is such an inadquate word. As Mankind sometimes strives to worship the Lord Most High, so, here. No, not divine. That would be absurd, and Jack H is never absurd. The idea is ludicrise. Ludacrice. Ludekris. It's ridiculous. Your recognition of excellence reflects well upon your character.