MAD

Mohammed Mohamud. A name so great they spelled it twice. Let us pause, Gentle Reader, and consider this young American and the life course his night visions charted out for him. "Go ye, my child, and take unto thyself a bomb of great power, and use it, O Chosen One, to vaporize into a mist most holy the corpulent flesh of your corrupt fellow American heretics and their children. I mean fellow Americans, who are heretics, no, I mean infidels, not fellow heretics, for thou art not an heretic, er, infidel, but verily a True Hero is Islam!!!" (Author's reconstruction.) So he contacted the FBI to help him achieve his Moslem-American Dream, and BAM, almost made it! Dang explosives dint go off? Like, wuzzup wit dat, y'know? Cheap bomb shit, musta bin made in like, y'know, um, someplaste where they don't know how to build bombs good. Fuckin Ebay. Shit, Allah be praised.

It will be remembered that it was here, in the trenchant pages of Forgotten Prophets™, the observation was made: For any given terrorist act, there is a fifty-fifty chance that somewhere in the hero's name will appear some variation of the name Mohammad. This particular Mad Mo doubles that statistic ... although my math may be a bit off -- point five times point five is point two-five. Well, that doesn't seem right. And to be fair the little scamp's name is -- presumably in full ... although one never knows with these Third-World-Americans -- Mohammed Osman Mohamud. So, maybe he's Mormon? Is there an anagram in there?

• Madman ammo mushed Homo! A Portland headline we'd never expect to see.
• Oh Ammo-Demon! Damm USA, hm? An islamist prayer?
• Ahead! Summon doom! Ah! Mmm! A call to arms?
• Amuse doom, Madman ... ho hmm. An appeal to conscience?
• Mum, mom ... ashamed manhood. Psychoanalysis, of islam. Ism.
• Hush, mom, dad, mama ... men. Oom.... Cuz it's about family, and inner peace.

Muy a propósito, as we Mexicans say. Only in America. Portland is in America, right? Like California? California is in America, right?

What a world.

J