Tuesday, December 14, 2010

What I Missed Last Night

I would have posted here last night, as we hotshot internet celebs say, but the web was down. Yes, in the whole world. And I barely remember what it was I had to say. I have so many brilliant ideas they just crowd each out of my head and the universe, until I create them again.

I hadn't noticed, but I haven't been depressed for a while. Then it was back last night, and I knew it by its absence. Hello, old friend. Not so bad though. It's like desire. Just something in the background.

I got absolutely creamed in the workout last night. Been getting by on past accomplishment. That's a good way to become mediocre.

The thing that I noticed, in my distemper, was that I am highly place-oriented, rather than people-oriented. I just want to go to my place, and be alone. Other people want to go to their people, and be with them, and the place is incidental. So I thought about that. It's not that I care about places. It's that it's so demanding to be around others. We need some sort of anchor. I've chosen the wrong one. It used to be that I was driven to get home to my little boy. But that's a long time ago now. And I look forward to seeing my one or several current and only friends, but it's just so ingrained now, to hold onto my reserve. It's not on purpose. Just hard-won habit. And you can always get to a place. People, not so much.

We talk about love. How much I love you. How eternal it is. But mostly what we mean is, need. That's not love at all. Then again, sure it is. It's just that you need me. And I love you for that. What does that say about God. It says that selfless love is only possible because of someone else's weakness. Oh yes, God needs us. He needs us so that he can be needed. So he can sacrifice himself, and feel compassion. Nothing wrong with that. It's in his nature. As it is in ours.

So it must be that, yes, I will love you in my need for you, and for your need of me. Shall we be worthy of each other then? Last night, in my place, my hole, my refuge, my hiding place, I missed you.


No comments: