Wednesday, June 26, 2013


The only way anyone ever gets close to me is through persistence. That’s how it was with my former wife … she just kept trying. Turned out painful, but my life would be even emptier without even that failed marriage. And the very few friends I have, were persistent. One just kept on inviting me to do jiu jitsu at his home. I wouldn't have done it even if my schedule had allowed it, save for the persistence. It may be that I don’t believe anyone really wants to be around me. I know, effed up. I am deeply weird, ruined really. It’s like it was on purpose. Trust is just another word for faith, and it’s because of faith that the whole world is going to hell.

These past few days I have been very productive, creatively. Many many thousands of words pouring out of me, rough draft. No promises that it will go anywhere. I’ve done it before, a number of times. I am reluctant and sheepish to say, a piece of genre fiction, re a very commercial area I have had no meaningful interest in previously.  Done to death.  It’s just the idea is so good. It’s great fun, crafting, but a massively major undertaking, and my genius does not tend to follow through with any final steps, like presenting my work to others. Part of my lifelong depression is the awareness that I have wasted my talent.

What a world, where second rate people push themselves into dominance with no talent other than a self assured baritonale voce. I would be deeply bothered by today's SC ruling re California gay marriage, Prop 8, where its defenders, of actual real non-gay marriage, were found to have no standing, and Eight is out, play-marriage is in. Not depressed though since I seem to have accepted the fact that there is no more America. The reelection of That One affirmed it, and there’s no going back. It’s one thing to be anally raped, and something entirely different to come back for more. America is a stupid perverted whore.  Amerigay.  The incest lobby isn’t yet quite vocal enough to have sibling marriage, but it’s coming. Polygamy is next.



brent said...

Well, you're not dead yet so I think it's a little too soon to talk about wasted. Wasted opportunities, wasted talent, wasted genius, wasted whatever focuses on the past where it seems you are stuck. It's all in your mind. You are only bound by it because you choose it. Move on! So what if it isn't perfect. Publish the damn book. I know that the three of us who read regularly would buy it. Sorry if I've taken too much liberty here. I've read most of what you've written and enjoy your creative way of expression. I don't think very many will get it because it's too intellectual. It seems that most are lazy thinkers as evidenced by the last election and current state of affairs. However, that shouldn't stop you from publishing. Great art is rarely appreciated in its time.

bob k. mando said...

here's something to depress you even more:

the most disturbing thing to me about the Snowden case is that it seems that we 'knew' all of this stuff well before Snowden blew the whistle. and that it goes back into the Bush 2 administration. it's just that the news media wouldn't report basic facts ... to defend a nominal Republican?

the entire ruling class is out of control.

Anonymous said...

Oh, more than three, surely.