Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Suck It Up, Buttercup

The great political question of the day found its most eloquent formulation as a rhetorical metaphor first made public in these very pages. “Which would you rather, eat your own poop or someone else’s puke?” Given our increasingly and mandatorily inclusive culture, there could never be anything other than gay … exuberant celebration of those courageous extroverts who opt for or are born into that subgroup of peoplekind in which it is a genetic necessity to eat one’s own poop or the puke of another. Heaven forfend that we should be judgmental about lifestyles or states of birth. That’s a crime against peoplekind.

 Alack, were the metaphor only slightly different, the solution should be obvious. It really is no unendurable thing, to swallow back a bit of your own rising gorge. I myself am not immune or inured to the occasional bout of dry-heaves, as when I have had to clean up after animals, or accidentally visualize sundry very normal and not at all perverted paraphiliae. Whereas coprophagy, be it auto- or alio-, might or ought to be found in all but the newest, politically-corrected DSM editions.

 Thus have I written, however, and thus it shall be. One’s own poop, another’s vomit. Trump then, for us, in this metaphor, is the poop. Hillary is the vomit. Sadly, I will never knowingly eat poop. And I shall never vote for Hillary. My own righteousness and inviolable integrity have therefore stymied me. One cannot remain American, and not vote. Thus have I proven that there are no more Americans, because there is no more America.

 So I will throw out all this forgoing resolution and unassailable logic, and rearrange the premises of the implicit syllogism. “Would you rather eat your own vomit or someone else’s poop.” Ah. Now the paradox is resolved. Distasteful and disgusting though it be, puke-eating as it were has its necessities.

 The origin of the trope is buried in obscurity. No one knows. Only theories remain to shed light in the darkness. “Suck it up, buttercup.” Used to encourage someone to persevere through hardship. The best theory -- and there is no real need of a theory -- is that it originated among fighter pilots, who might at high altitude disgorge into and foul their breathing apparatus, thereby losing consciousness. Life and death. Best advice then would be to suck it up. The gratuitous “buttercup” explains itself.

 For reasons later to be examined, a third Obama term is undesirable. Hillary is a known quantity: soulless lefty hack. Trump is a complete disgrace, but somehow, somehow the lesser of evils.

 America: God shed his grace on thee, then removed it.

So. Dig in. The vomit’s fine.


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