An Announcement

The Board of Directors of the Forgotten Prophets™ Soulful WebLog and Rightwing Religious Bigot Antidefamation Political Action Corps Internet Cyber-WebSite has declared September to be National American Homeland Patriotic Stars-n-Stripes Observance Month and Moslem Terrorist Commemoration Day of the United States of America, Territories & Protectorates. In consonance with the spirit of this new national holiday, we will be producing a number of gala events to commemorate the festivities, many of which will take place in the Holy City of New York.

Appropriate methods of observing this new holy month will include a forty day period of binging and purging, a five-times daily call to beer-chugging, and of course a number of "spontaneous" street fairs which will include such gay pranks as burning down mosques, stoning anyone wearing turbans or veils, invading embassies and executing hostages, and of course arranging colorful pyrotechnical displays starting within but quickly consuming the political and financial buildings of Islam. Oh, it will be grand.

Announcements of the celebrations will be published in the New York Times, the text juxtaposed to satirical cartoons poking mild fun at our Wahhabist friends. The first, as previously reported, will be "of the Prophet Mohammad, PBUH, buried under a huge splattering of monkey feces. The monkeys are on a branch above, using his turban for toilet tissue. And the caption reads, 'This is justice?' Its satirical intent is too obvious to go into." Another will show "the Prophet Mohammad, PBUH, being sodomized by a rhinoceros in a cesspool. It really doesn't have a political or satirical point. It's just funny. Oh, and sitting on a cloud above is Allah, masturbating." We anticipate quite a bit of buzz over these little japes.

Now, some might suppose such free-wheeling irreverence could give rise to bad-feeling. We here at FP™SWLRRBAPACICWS are sensitive to such concerns, and have taken an in-house poll to determine that nothing we present is in the least way offensive to any of our foreign interloper friends. Our survey results fail to indicate anything that would give us cause to suspect that we have deviated from our usual steady course of flawless taste and impeccable decorum.

Thus, when our celebrity spokesmodel Jack H says that "Islam is the religion of lies" and that "Mohammad is a false prophet" and that "Allah is Satan" -- well, we have determined that it is not reasonable to suppose this is truly offensive. After all, in a religion where everything is offensive, nothing is offensive. It's simple logic. Words have definitions, and definitions by their nature create limits. If there is no limit, there is no definition, and the word becomes meaningless. Ergo, nothing is offensive to Moslems. We here at FP™SWLRRBAPACICWS are quite pleased that the logico-grammarians of our Rhetoric, Sophistry & Propaganda Research and Development Dept. have discovered this precept, and we will be incorporating the principle in our bylaws at our next bi-annual shareholders' meeting.

Finally, in keeping with the spirit of the times, we will be republishing over the next few weeks certain articles which have been deemed relevant to the theme of the holidays. We trust that the quality of our work meets with the continuing approval of our readership, and we welcome any feedback. It is our fond wish that National American Homeland Patriotic Stars-n-Stripes Observance Month and Moslem Terrorist Commemoration Day of the United States of America, Territories & Protectorates will become a treasured favorite for young and old alike. A good time will be had by all.

Happy NAHPSSOMMTCDUSATP-tide!


J

thAS RIGHT i WIN U LOOSE!!!

Yeeeaaahhh!!! hey all you loosers!!! itz me agian!!! Jack! Hooah!! An gues what, stuipids??? This time its 4 eel!!! Lol!! 1 point ninety five million dolares!! Comin to papa on roller skates!

So i dont know what waz up with my sweety Mrs. Arafat. I nevr did hear back from her. Nobodys ever ben abel to esplan that to me. But Im soooo over her. Felt kind of used though. Nice guys finish last right?
so anywaz I one the LO66ORY!!! SOUTH african lootery!! Lookie herie:

"

IN CONJUNCTION WITH

SOUTH AFRICA 2010

WORLDCUP ORGANIZING COMMITEE

YOU ARE THE WINNER OF THE

COMPUTER PROMOTIONAL DRAW

"
an it's in gib mauve letters tooo!! so pritty. Thats high teck !!!

i'M big Matt Dollar omar shariff of Dodge and I won the computer promotional DRAW!!! 195 millions dollies, big little iron men A STACK O CASH TO THE MOON AND BACK!!!!

an it says: --

THIS MESSAGE IS FROM THE PROMOTION MANAGER, INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD DEPARMENT

GLOBAL MEGA CROSSING SA

YOU HAVE WON ON THE COMPUTER BALLOT,

THE SUM OF US$ 1,950,000,00

PLEASE CONTACT

(MR. PETER BALOYI)

I heard of global Crossings. Therye like famous, like Ibm or something. BIG TIme. Mr. Balony has a big roll he's gonna slip me a chunk of and send me to happyland! Hope there's a Ms. Pressedmeat who'l;l raise my bloodpreasure if you git what I mean. bloodpleasure LoL!!!! An 195 billion smackaroos. Thas right Mr Magoo you see it true.

" Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 2,500,000 email addresses of individuals and companies from all part of the world as part of our electronicbusiness Promotions Program" !!!!!

o babby!!!! out of all the people in the world!!!

I have bene elected to be President of Moneyland!!! Grand Ayadolla of I-told-you-so-istan. The Shah-me-da-money of I-ran-away-with-the-loot! Happy daze is here a gin!!!

D - A - D (WHOOP DEEDEE) D - I - E (why?? Because we like me!!!) W - R - B - U - X

GLOBAL MEGA LOTTERY PROGRAM IS A BONUS FOR THE WHOLE WORLD FOR THE 2010 SOCCER WORLD

Congratulations'' once again from all our staff and thank you for being part of our promotions program.

GLOBAL MEGA CROSSING SA

GOES INTERNATIONAL

AS THE 2010

WORLD CUP

WILL BE HOSTED BY

SOUTH AFRICA

My pleasur, south Africa. any time you wanna give me 95 billion clams you jus feel free. if you want anymore of my email addressessess jus let me kno!!!

DAng all out of woodpolish. did yuu know Tidybowl has a lot o alcholhol in it???!?!!? i was drinking refrigerater juise. Freeyon. it jus melts in your mouf!!! LooL u know the mongoloidians drink fermentad yak blood???!?? i drank blood wonse. Celebrate like ist 1888!!!

sO you lousers wont b3e heering from me nomore. I'l be perminantly vaccinating on the Cote d'Ivory with them hot black chicks fannying me with palm leaves like jezus going into jerusalami. And Panelopy crusing the blue meditoranium like L Ron Hubbard in my platinum yacht made out of gold and south african blood daimands. An Suhay Araffat ann't welcome she can go swiming to Cambodia.

I always new africa would be the salvation of me. America sucks anayway.

And you can all go to hell.



g

Outraged and Bewildered

What the hell is this?!? I tried to use my bank card and I don't have any damn money!!! What happened to all my money?!???!! These stupid banks can't get anything right. How am I supposed to get my twenty million dollars if they can't even handle some simple little savings/checking account? Well, they'll work it out. They'd better. Or else! I'll deposit all my millions in another bank! That'll teach them.

But on a lighter note, I'm still feeling like Jed Clampett. Yeeha! Still celebrating a little. I emailed my bank account number and password and social security number and mothers maiding name and all that to my sweety Mrs. Suha Arafat. Haven't heard back yet, but any time now. And then all bets are off. Know the number of any good hitmen? Cuz there are some people whose hash needs to be settled and I don't mean maybe. Only reason it hasn't been taken care of was the money. Like that neighbor whose dog won't stop barking. Oh yeah, I got a little NineEleven Day airmail package for him let me tell you. A real lifechanger, if you get my meaning.

Kind of weird that I haven't heard from Mrs. Arafat though. I mean what's with that? I think there's like this contract, like this contract, right? It's a breach of promise thing if she don't come through. But she wouldn't do that. She's a famous and responsible person. She's like the Queen of Palestine or Arabia or something, right? I mean I have the email, so there's like legal evidence and stuff. A paper trail. It's documented. I could take her to court. But she wouldn't do that. She's famous. Them famous bitches don't like scandal.

So anyways I told my boss to go to hell. Man was that beautiful. I marched in to his little cubicle and didn't say a word and I grabbed him by his wide 1973 tie and shoved my fingers up his nose to the second knuckles and I was gonna lift him over my head like they do in the WWF but I must have slipped a disc or something cuz I got this incredible electric pain in my lower back and fell over backwards and couldn't move at all. They had to call the paramedics, and all this a-hole middle-management wonk could cry about was his freakin torn sceptum. He said he was going to file criminal charges. Yeah Bosco bring it on. big man. I got twenty million simoleons behind me that says you're gonna wish you went to law school instead of Mcdonald's Restaurant Middle Management College. Loser. Tweny milllion!!!!! Looser!!!

So anyways I gave away all my stuff. It was a bunch of crap. A clean start, that's what I'm gonna get. Gucci all the way. Time for some serious bling. But I guess it was a little precipitous, cuase all I have to wear is this clown suit left over from a few Halloweens ago. 1999. and a wide tie. They sent me home from the hospetal in one of those gowns -- I'd sort of soiled myself when I was paralyzed. You'd think they'd do laundry at least, those nurses. A clean start and a clearn pair of underwear. underpair! Anyway I can't find any quarters for the laudromat, and they shut the water off last month. But all that's changing! Good times are here at last!

So anyways. I'll keep you posted. It should be any time now. It's sort of a long walk to the bank, but it's worth it. The phone isn't working. Guess it slipped my mind to pay the bill or something. I'll be heading out in a minute. Just gotta take a few more Motrins. I'm using a chair temporarily for a walker. Hope my a-hole neighbor don't see me. I'll pull up in my Hummer in a few days that I paid cash for from my twenty million. He'll see me then all right.

And I'm out of zima. Got panicked there for a second, but then I remembered that furniture polish is mostly alcohol. Gotta keep this party goin! After a few swollows it stopped having any taste at all. So I ate that leftover potroast from a few weeks ago. Waste not want not. I think it was the pot roast. might have been cottage cheese. Or guacamole. Don't matter. bacteria is food to. bacteria cafeteria . micro flora is good for thE DIGESTION. i WENT TO COLLAG

E YOU KNOW. i HAVE SEVERAL DEGREYS. i'M VERY SAMRT AND EDUCATED. dIDD YOU KNOW i'M 4"6"??!?! tHAS VERY TALL FOR MY AGE... .



rISH RICH RISCH!!! AHAHAAHAAAH!!!! AnD YOUR NOT. sUCKERS!!!!


I CAN'T SEWEE OUt of my left eye? was up with that ??


im not gayThere are rats in my attic

Planning for the Future

Ha! So long, suckers! You can all just go to hell, now that I'm set for life. Yeah, that's right. Set! As in MRS. SUHA ARAFAT is sending me twenty million dollars! Yeeha!! That's right, stupid, you read it right, twenty million sweet little iron men, all for yours truly! Hahaha! Here, losers, let me lay it out for you in simple numbers: 2000000000! Yeah!!! You see it right. Twenty million. All them zeroes is kind of dizzying, isn't it.

Oh, don't cry, little baby. Maybe some hot rich widow will email you someday out of the blue. You wish. She must have been reading my fabulous blog. Yeah, that's it. Mrs. Suha Arafat, former berieved wife of a certain Yasar Arafat -- a name you might be familiar with? And she's blond. that's like so hot.

Look how arfully that picture is composed. He's like a guardian angel! Kind of makes me change my opinion about him. Yessir Arafatcat. She writes me that she's got 6.5 bibibillion!!! And it's all coming to papa! You do know that number, right, retard? Here, let me put it in zeroes -- something you can relate to, being such a zero yourself!! 5.6000, 00, 000, 000000, 0!!!!!! Yeah. Thas righ!!!! $ix point five bullion dollie$!!!! Oh mommy!! *urp* Oh excuse me. That one had a flavor. You'll have to pardon me. I've been celebrating. That zima really goes to your head, don't it. So what if moslums don't drink. I'll convert when I have to. Until then the ol' jackhammer is gonna paaaaaaardeeeeee!!! HOO AH!!

Oh! Lookie here!!! "I [this is my honey talking here, Mrs. Araphatt] have deposited the sum of 20 million dollars with a private security firm abroad whose name is withheld for now until we open communication. I shall be grateful if you could receive this fund into your bank account for safe keeping and any Investment opportunity. This arrangement is known to you and my personal Attorney." Yeah, I know all about it. Who's saying I don't? They lie!! Oh yeah. My treasure ship has come in -- and let me tell you, matey, it was a long time a-comin' -- but happy days are here again!! First "Investment" I'm gonna make is in a full body massage, with all the extras. I got yer deep tissue right here, baby. Gonna move outta my mothers garage an into a pentouse condo on Wilshire Bullivard!!!! Look down on all you pathetic losers. Look out for water ballooons, termites!!!! You better hope it's only water.

An than she closses :: "Please expedite action and all response to my Email address below. NB / Please reply to: mrsuha_arafat2002 @ yahoo.dk. Yours Sincerely, Mrs. Suha Arafat. Thas soooo sweet. How come there are 2001 other mr. suha_arafats?

Dude, I'll be good for her. And you know what those dirty scum did to her? "I [that's my sweetheart, my little dessert plossum] have even been subjected to physical and psychological torture. As a widow that is so traumatized, I have lost confidence with everybody in the country at the moment." Wait'll I git my hans on her. No I mean them. Them scums!!! Torchuring my sugarpie. Thats the future Mrs. Aaraphat Kack H. Proffits!!!! Oh Im so mad aabaout it to!!

I'm guna by me a red convertible!! and ill have a daughter to, stepdauger named Zahra. cewl. Hope shes hott. an see all you suckers in hel.l. Hahahhaaaah!!!!!!!!!

k

A Clarification

Well okay. Alright. Yes. It really is a picture of me. Sorry I lied about it. I don't know why I did. But I really do have only 5% body fat. What? Doesn't look like it? Hey, that's muscle, baby, pure muscle. All American Beefcake, that's me -- the meat is sweet and won't rot your teeth. Glim those guns, bo -- like steel cables. Afraid? I am so gorgeous. Yep, it's me, and pure rippling brawn. Really. No, really. Okay, maybe you're a little skeptical. Yeah, I suppose I might seem a little bloated. I, uh, got an infection and swelled up. I was injecting myself with, um, vitamin B and I dropped the hypo and neglected to sterilize it. Guess it'd been a while since I scrubbed the bathroom floor. So I'm a busy guy, so sue me. Don't you be giving me that look. My hygiene is flawless. You have the evidence before your very eyes, don't you. Don't you believe your eyes? Well I just feel sorry for you then. You smell like me in your dreams.

Yes, I am too blond. Oh, I didn't mean for that to sound like I was too blond. How would that be possible? I meant I'm blond. Just blond enough. Juuuust right. Like, like Baby Bear in Goldilocks. Who was blond, like me. Perfectly blond. Goldilocks I mean, not the bear. Who ever heard of a blond bear? I mean the forest kind of bear, not those hot gay bears at the sex clubs. And don't go thinking you're so clever calling me a bear, like I'm some big burly sexy gay fetishist or something. Not that there's anything wrong with it. Just not my scene, dude, is all. Nope. No. Not my bag. Wasn't my meaning at all, and frankly I'm a little disappointed in you for lowering the tenor of this conversation. Everything's the gutter with you. I don't know why I even bother. You are one sick dude, that's all I have to say about it. Sick sick sick. Sicko. In need of serious help. No wonder you can't sleep. All that whining about all that stuff you love to whine about. Boo hoo. Yeah, we're all really impressed. You're so deep. Waaaaa.

No, not blonde. That's for girls. Do I look like a girl to you? Is that what you think girls look like? Then I just pity you. And it's not a beard. I don't have a beard -- a big black sexy hairy beard. That's, um, like a chin strap or something. Yeah. Or maybe it's a shadow. Shadows can be very complex, you know. They're mysterious. Nobody knows what causes them or where they come from. Don't you be shaking your head like that. I'm not your ear wax. Maybe it's a tattoo. I could have a tattoo. I never said I didn't, did I? Like, uh, a temporary tattoo on my face, like clown makeup. Maybe it was a party. And I have a huge tattoo of a scary red dragon all across my back. It's so cool! So what? What's so wrong about that? Are you my judge? Well golly Mother Superior I sure do hope I'm living up to your high standards. As if.

Or maybe it's, like, black shaving cream. Hey! Wow, what a far out idea! I bet nobody ever thought of that before. I bet Ron Popeil would love that far out idea. Don't you go stealing it. That's it baby, I'm gonna make MI££ION$ of DO££AR$ with this I bet!!! Best idea ever. Black shaving cream. OH! and it tastes like licorice!! Oh man it just gets better and better. Now where's that 900 number, the one for the invention company. Haven't heard back from them about my home tongue-splicer kit. Bifurcated tongues are so hot! They better not have ripped me off. Like Books on Tape. That was my idea. Or the jockstrap.

Well, that just about covers it then. We've found out that you like to lie about people's appearance, and that you're heavy into some furcking kinky shirt, and take steroids and have an ear infection and listen to pornography CDs. Dude, you really need help. It's kind of pathetic, really. I pity you.

Okay. Sorry. It's not me. I don't know why I said it was.


J