Friday, September 15, 2006

Outraged and Bewildered

What the hell is this?!? I tried to use my bank card and I don't have any damn money!!! What happened to all my money?!???!! These stupid banks can't get anything right. How am I supposed to get my twenty million dollars if they can't even handle some simple little savings/checking account? Well, they'll work it out. They'd better. Or else! I'll deposit all my millions in another bank! That'll teach them.

But on a lighter note, I'm still feeling like Jed Clampett. Yeeha! Still celebrating a little. I emailed my bank account number and password and social security number and mothers maiding name and all that to my sweety Mrs. Suha Arafat. Haven't heard back yet, but any time now. And then all bets are off. Know the number of any good hitmen? Cuz there are some people whose hash needs to be settled and I don't mean maybe. Only reason it hasn't been taken care of was the money. Like that neighbor whose dog won't stop barking. Oh yeah, I got a little NineEleven Day airmail package for him let me tell you. A real lifechanger, if you get my meaning.

Kind of weird that I haven't heard from Mrs. Arafat though. I mean what's with that? I think there's like this contract, like this contract, right? It's a breach of promise thing if she don't come through. But she wouldn't do that. She's a famous and responsible person. She's like the Queen of Palestine or Arabia or something, right? I mean I have the email, so there's like legal evidence and stuff. A paper trail. It's documented. I could take her to court. But she wouldn't do that. She's famous. Them famous bitches don't like scandal.

So anyways I told my boss to go to hell. Man was that beautiful. I marched in to his little cubicle and didn't say a word and I grabbed him by his wide 1973 tie and shoved my fingers up his nose to the second knuckles and I was gonna lift him over my head like they do in the WWF but I must have slipped a disc or something cuz I got this incredible electric pain in my lower back and fell over backwards and couldn't move at all. They had to call the paramedics, and all this a-hole middle-management wonk could cry about was his freakin torn sceptum. He said he was going to file criminal charges. Yeah Bosco bring it on. big man. I got twenty million simoleons behind me that says you're gonna wish you went to law school instead of Mcdonald's Restaurant Middle Management College. Loser. Tweny milllion!!!!! Looser!!!

So anyways I gave away all my stuff. It was a bunch of crap. A clean start, that's what I'm gonna get. Gucci all the way. Time for some serious bling. But I guess it was a little precipitous, cuase all I have to wear is this clown suit left over from a few Halloweens ago. 1999. and a wide tie. They sent me home from the hospetal in one of those gowns -- I'd sort of soiled myself when I was paralyzed. You'd think they'd do laundry at least, those nurses. A clean start and a clearn pair of underwear. underpair! Anyway I can't find any quarters for the laudromat, and they shut the water off last month. But all that's changing! Good times are here at last!

So anyways. I'll keep you posted. It should be any time now. It's sort of a long walk to the bank, but it's worth it. The phone isn't working. Guess it slipped my mind to pay the bill or something. I'll be heading out in a minute. Just gotta take a few more Motrins. I'm using a chair temporarily for a walker. Hope my a-hole neighbor don't see me. I'll pull up in my Hummer in a few days that I paid cash for from my twenty million. He'll see me then all right.

And I'm out of zima. Got panicked there for a second, but then I remembered that furniture polish is mostly alcohol. Gotta keep this party goin! After a few swollows it stopped having any taste at all. So I ate that leftover potroast from a few weeks ago. Waste not want not. I think it was the pot roast. might have been cottage cheese. Or guacamole. Don't matter. bacteria is food to. bacteria cafeteria . micro flora is good for thE DIGESTION. i WENT TO COLLAG



I CAN'T SEWEE OUt of my left eye? was up with that ??

im not gayThere are rats in my attic

1 comment:

Rantin' Ron said...

Keep the faith dude.

Ed McMahon just called me tonight and said I may have already won a Jillion five hundred dollars....or more!

I'm a lucky ole Son of a Gun!!

Just like you!!