Monday, January 9, 2006

Why All Republicans Are All Totally Evil

oron. That Bush – no! … wait … Shrubbery! Oh, that's fabulous! That Shrubbery isn’t just the worst President in the history of the world, he’s the worst person who ever lived. And he’s so inarticulate -- he’s Dan Quayle bad. And he wants to be dictator of the world, and he was behind 9/11 – check the internet – it’s all there! And he smirks! Yuck!

But worst, I think every liberal-minded person will agree, is his whole swaggering faux-macho braggadocio. I mean, far be it from me to disparage a boy’s butch façade – I played with that little roll … ahem, I mean role in my ’70s salad days. Didn’t we all, back when our waistline was a bigger number than our age. And sugar, let me tell you, a boy hasn’t lived until he’s felt some leathery chaps rubbing between his legs. But that Bush simply doesn’t seem to grasp the fact that masculine is just a pretend concept, like unicorn or marriage. And that’s why those of us on the Left hate that Bush so much.

So-called America – that geographical designation which was stolen from the indigenous people of color by the genocidal Columbus and all colorless people who are all evil – can only rejoin the civilized world by paying reparatons to all people of color everywhere regardless of any historical considerations, by impeaching the monster Bush and immediately withdrawing from all illegally occupied territories, which is all territories, and by handing over all governmental functions to the United Nations. All so-called Americans are evil, and their overlords the Repubicans are only capable of launching vicious ad hominem attacks against rationality, led by their Anti-Maitreya cult-leader, that Bush.

So, to recap, no blood for oil, give peace a chance, Halliburton, choice, Bush stole the election, Republican’s are racists, global warming, war is bad for flowers and other living things, right-wingers hate minorities and gays and women, soldiers are baby-killers, Christians are intolerant, no blood for oil, no blood for oil, and that Bush is a macho moron who looks like a chimp. Your humble author realizes that this is a rare departure from his habitual rigid objective neutrality, but integrity demands that the utter truth sometimes be spelled out, boldly. Your humble author trusts that the clarity and fair-mindedness of his views has removed all confusion that might have clouded the understanding of any reader.

Your Humble Author,

Helmut Crisp

PS – Bush lied.

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