Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Moron of the Week

And the winner is ... UNC Chapel Hill sophomore and counter-demonstrator Johnathon Pourzal, who - of Mohammad Reza Taheri-azar's attempt to run down and kill as many fellow-students as possible - objected that "By calling it religious violence, you are telling people that Muslims are violent. There are Iranians here telling you they are offended. They are offended by this - by this - rally." The Presenting Committee is especially pleased to note that young master Johnathon is offended by the - by the - rally, not by the - by the - homicidal felonies. As for the object of the - of the - rally, "MohamMad Max" (as he is affectionately nicknamed by his countless Islamist admirers) told police that his purpose was "to avenge the deaths of Muslims around the world," and at his arraignment informed reporters that he was "thankful for the opportunity to spread the will of Allah."

"I only fear and only respect Allah," the particular Mohammad in question wrote to the Durham Herald-Sun. "I never hesitate to do as Allah has commanded in the Koran, which I have read all 114 chapters of approximately 15 times now, beginning in June 2003." He adds, "The Koran, the truth from Allah, the creator of all things, dictates in numerous places, e.g. Chapter 'Muhammad,' that Allah's followers have permission to attack those who have waged war against them, with eternal paradise as an expected reward.... The fact that the Koran is a scientific and mathematic miracle proves that it is from a supernatural source. ... I decided to attack within the U.S. borders, hoping that the U.S. government would understand that my fellow followers of Allah will do everything necessary to defeat our enemies, even giving up a college degree from UNC Chapel Hill, as I did myself." Mohammad , raised in Charlotte, stated "I turned myself in to assure the world that I wasn't some insane person who went on a killing rampage suddenly."

Johnathon, this week's Moron Laureate, is not being honored because of his stultifying inability to see the obvious, however. Rather, Johnathon is *~*Moron of the Week*~* because uv duh naym Johnathon. Co-honorees are his mother and father - not for the spelling of his name, but because they raised a son (Johnathon is, presumably, a "son") who asserts in public that Moslems who rent enormous SUVs for specifically homicidal purposes in the name of Allah, are not engaged in "religious violence."

While it is true that Johnathon seems to spell his name Jonathan, the Presenting Committee feels that he should spell his name Johnathon, since he is such a moron.


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