This Illegal War

aving maniacs. Nobody has ever been able to explain to me why there even is a war in Iraq. And as any thoughtfully thinking person of intelligent intellect must think, it is the obligation of somebody else to explain things to me, and I will sit in judgment as to whether I deign to agree. So because nobody has ever been able to explain this illegal war that so-called America is attacking poor innocent Iraq with, and its babies – for as you know, we of the Left are filled with love, and we care most of all about the poor innocent babies – and don’t go off on another one of your tangents about how it is the progressive enlightened Left that kills babies, because I’ve explained this to you before that fetuses are not babies … how stupid are you anyway? Don’t you get it, you fascist pig murdering oppressor? They’re not human, because they’re not viable. A so-called baby that can’t support itself isn’t human. How obvious does it have to be? – you corrupt greedy capitalist scum. Are you a stupid pathetic moron or something, that you need it explained to you? You people are all such idiots, and such hypocrites. You’re all the same. How I hate you, you filthy dirty lying sub-human evil Islamophobic homophobes. Oh, and racist!

It is a proven fact that Saddam had no contact with terrorists. It is a proven fact that Iraq never had and never used any weapons of mass destruction, at any time. Everyone knows that there never was any Iraqi nuclear program. It’s so obvious. It’s all about oil. America the Ugly just wants that cheap Iraqi oil, so they can burn it up and destroy the planet with their SUVs. Any idiot knows this. I know I do.

That’s what this illegal war is about. I mean, the poor French and Russians worked heroically for peace – they are such good and honest people, unlike so-called America. Their motives are pure. And the noble UN, so open, so pure, so honorable and noble and pure – the heroic democracies that comprise this fabulous experiment in freedom and noble honesty all voted that America was a pig monster of oppression ... I’m sure I remember that’s what UN Resolution 1441 was all about. With proven facts like these before us, there can be no doubt about how bad America is.

So, dear reader, I trust that the brilliance of my exposition has made the only sane position even more clear. America is the villain. Iraq is the ideal – especially the heroic insurgency, or Minutemen as we on the Left call them. If you have any more things that need explaining just drop Your Humber Author a line and he will do his usual job of bringing rationality to the insanity. Until then,

I remain, Your Humble Author,


Helmut Crisp

PS – Crédit Mobilier.