archive

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Unspent

I used to be strong. Certain and focused and unrelenting. Willing to suffer for a sufficient purpose.

Now I cower in my soul and just want to be left alone. I have grown unspeakably selfish.

Once upon a time there was some turmoil in my household. A friend, a pastor, reminded me of a truth I have always known. A father takes the blows. Yes.

Today I went to roll. Didn't get enough. Nothing like enough. Seemed like it finished early. Nobody to roll with me. Now I'm angry and frustrated. It's not like I have all the energy in the world, but I have to go running now. Run hard. Yes, my heel is better. Thank you for asking. But running is not enough. None of it is.

Have I said it before? -- that I'd be dead now if I hadn't started running? I'd have found a way. Something noble of course ... that's just how I am, so very noble. Nobility -- it is my curse. Who is there as noble as me? Not possible to exceed my nobleness, that's what I say. Saving a little flop-eared puppy from a burning building maybe. Something like that. I'd have a good excuse. God would never know. Oh Jack! -- He'd say. You tried to save that little floppy eared puppy from that burning building! Well done, good and faithful servant! And in my secret heart I would finally breathe easy. My really secret heart, that even God doesn't know about. Just you.

I have thousands and thousands of dollars worth of uncashed, stale checks sitting in my desk, from years ago now. What the hell is my problem.


J

No comments: