Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Rough Draft

Dear Ms. Parker --

We here at the National Democratic Gay/Lesbian Oppressed-Minority-by-the-Whiteman Caucus for the Guaranteeing and Insurance for and against Offenedness and Being Insulted or Having Hurt Feelings are extremely concerned about the tone of your opinion piece posted at the website “Our Town.” As a woman, we feel that you as a woman -- um ... ahem. As women, we feel that you -- and the several men here too also feel that you ... no, wait. We feel that you, as a woman, should conform yourself to the way real women feel, which is that being offended is wrong ... um, which is that being offended against is wrong, and all the men who constantly offend us with their hairy bodies and intolerant homophobia should be castrigated, severely and economically. The NDG/LO-M-b-t-WCftGaIfaaOaBIoHHF has a long and distinguished record of hunting down and exterminating opinions that indicate a unilateral approach to world hunger and global warming and reparations and domestic partnerships, and we seek to -- because we are diligent and committed -- furthermore.

Be advised that we are currently organizing brigades of lactivists, who will be staging milk-ins in a wide variety of venues, such as elementary and high schools, bus stations, homeless shelters, churches, convents and cemeteries, Wal-Mart’s, Boy Scout Jamborees, and so on. The intolerant and spiteful tone of your hit piece leads the agitprop arm of our Central Committee to believe you will attempt to impede our efforts. You must understand that this is udderly hopeless. Nothing can impede us. We can only be pede. [Check on that, Simone -- maybe it's "peded".] The inexorable white yet uh, somehow rainbowy flow like a gushing of milk or like, uh, the vast and infinite and limitless and unending and big and continuational Milkey Way, which is also like milk, uh ... ahem -- this tide of herstory is on our side. Resistance is futile. You will be absorbed, as a postfetus absorbs our milk -- that is, the milk of those of us who elect the reactionary, degraded and subservient roll of so-called "motherhood" -- as if you could be the wife of a house.

Furthermore, we here at the NDG/LO-M-b-t-WCftGaIfaaOaBIoHHF have been prodigiously aggrieved by your odious attack on our Muslim and Muslimah friends. Islam is the Religion of Peace, as even your president Butch has mumbled. It is the virile counterpart of our muliebrity -- and surely even you cannot be so filled with hatred and self-loathing as to reject the masculinity that infects women of your ilk, which is so diversitiously embodied in the hard and dusky loins of ... [no, strike this, Simone. Strike it just before "virility" -- there's no way I can make virility sound good.]

...Butch has mumbled. But you are clearly too filled with intolerance and hatred to tolerate peaceful imams on a flight that were doing nobody any harm. So what if they spread out across the plane and chant death songs and ask for strangle-cords? What does that prove? You're so stupid. God I can barely stand to even think about you. You call yourself a woman? You're just a wannabe man is all. So full of self-loathing. A gender traitor. You should be killed. [I'll have to think about this passage, Simone. May be a trifle untactful. You know how overly-sensitive these bigots are.]

Therefore, in light of the implied threat that your hate-mongering opinions bode, our legal representative, Discrimination Attorney & Feminist Lawyer Gloria Allred, the most famous female litigator the world has ever known.

Yours With Grave Concern,

Miss Ima Kharridan,
NDG/LO-M-b-t-WCftGaIfaaOaBIoHHF, Inc.


Memo from the desk of Ima Kharridan

To: Simone du Puissant
RE: Operation Timidation

Okay Simone that's great but be a doll and change "real women" to "authentic women". And did I draw out my housewife point? Its clear, right? These conservilatives are so dense you have to lead them by the nose which is already in everybody elses business. God I hate them so much. Oops. I mean goddess.

Leave in the 'self-loathing gender traitor' bit. It's just some straight talk that might bring her to her senses. I find it bracing. You just don't find good writing like that anymore.

Be a love and CC a copy to Helmut C, will you? His insight is always so rich.

And check on the name of that little hateful blog -- I think it might be "Boys Town" ... wouldn't it just. I hate them so much. But soon, soon we will achieve total world domination, by which I mean liberation of course, one breastfeeding at a time! The end is nigh!

Long live Sanger!!!



David S. McQueen/Alvin TX said...

LMAO at your way-too-realistic blog! Good work! Do you write professionally?

Jack H said...

Thank you kindly. All offers will be considered.