The First Day of the Rest of My Life

So I was testing out my new name today. Jack Arousal. I cannot believe how stupid everyone is. "Hi, I'm Jack -- Jack Arousal!" I tried it on the clerk at the video store. He made a rude comment about masturbation and wouldn't shake my hand. Then I told the postman to make sure all the mail addressed to Jack Arousal came to me. He said he was reporting me to the federal government. Then I went to the Department of Motor Vehicles to have my license changed ... turns out there are some unpaid tickets that have to be dealt with first -- and they had my address on them. In the name of Jack Arousal. And there were a few other problems. Something about outstanding warrants. Brother, I scrammed out of there but fast, believe you me. That's just freaky weird. I've been having dreams that are starting to make some sort of sense now, though. I don't want to talk about it. Good thing I have an Arizona license in another name.

Anyways, I have an appointment with this producer dude I know. We met in the sauna at the Y. He said I have hot abs, and would I like to hook up with him later. Would I!? And how! I'm gonna pitch some of my show ideas. Like I've got a game show called Another Fine Pickle -- blindfolded contestants have to identify pickle brands just by the smell. There's more to it than that of course, but that's the gist of it. Sort of an Iron Chef meets The Price is Right thing. Then there's this reality show I have, about sixteen hobbyists all living in the same house, and they all have different hobbies, like reading Star Wars books or entering amateur bodybuilding contests, and then they get voted out of the house or something, until the end when one of them wins a big prize like a weekend at George Lucas's ranch or something cool like that. Our Hobby House -- but the "Our" is really an "R", and it's squeezed into the "House" so that it looks like "Horse" -- get it? So it's really like Hobby HoRse! It's clever touches like that that really show up the quality. People love that sort of thing. It's got winner written all over it. And I have a treatment for a sitcom about a guy who works as a parking lot attendant by night, but is really an exotic dancer in the afternoons, and it's about all the wacky people he meets in his two jobs. So I'm really jazzed about meeting up with this bigtime Hollywood producer. I think my luck's finally changing.


JA