Friday, June 29, 2007

A "Jack Arousal" Production

Great news! I’ve decided to release my celebrity sex tape! As you know, I’m a part-time parkinglot attendant and aspiring celebrity spokesmodel for something French. I’m just feeling that my career could use a little boost, and this sex tape brainstorm is definitely the way to go. I’m way jazzed about it.

Unfortunately all of my many hot chick girlfriends are out of town visiting their mothers and couldn't take part in the taping, so that was a little disappointing. I tried to involve some of my many cool dude friends, but they all had prior commitments to tune up their pickups before they go to the gunshow. So it’s just me performing by myself. But that’s way cool too, cuz I am very versatile. You will not believe some of the tricks I get up to with myself. I can mimic a hot chick like you wouldn’t believe! Honest, you won’t be able to tell the difference, I’m that good! The way I use my instrument is out of this world on a booster rocket! It’ll rock your socks, jocks! I make it happen, Cap'n!

It lasts sixteen hours, my hot sex tape. It’s me, reading Lady Chatterley’s Lover straight through, twice. I’m sitting in a really comfortable chair, that’s red, and I prop my feet up most of the time. It's hot Hot HOT! I employ many verbal and narrative devices to make the story into a veritable tableau vivant of auditory delight! As I say, I’m very versatile. My female characters spring to life, with the delicate inflections of my sundry voices. And my dramatic facial expressions make it all so vivid, it’s like you’re really there!

I haven’t decided yet how to release it. Maybe I’ll leak it to some high-power gossip reporter, like Rona Barrett or Rex Reed. Or it'll be stolen from my Hollywood highrise luxury penthouse suite and I'll give a press conference and be all indignant and outraged about the egregious invasion of my personal privacy, and they'll all be watching me and feeling sorry for me and jealous too. That'll be so cool.

I'm also thinking about staging a drunk driving arrest, so that I can get put in prison for a few weeks. What a brainstorm! It'll be fantastic, all them paparazzi clamoring for pictures of me. I can just see it!! Oh, Jack Arousal, you are so hot and attractive and smart! Please let us take your pictures for our newspapers and celebrity gossip magazines and other publications! Man, I can't wait! Larry King will be all over me, and I'll be, like, hey, dude, back off, Larry KLING. No tongue, old man! And he'll be all, oh, I'm so sorry dude, it's just that you're so handsome and weirdly fascinating and stuff that we all love you so much. Man, it'll be great.

Yep. Great. Can't wait. Then I'll finally be happy.



Chuck said...

Not one of your better ones.

Jack H said...

What says the crow
Of skylark song? — the hacking daw, its parching
Voice of grating rock. What thinks the toad
Of phosphorescent glory, of dolphins’ arching
Grace, the spray of sun-dripped dew? What dreams the troll,
Dank and matted monster, reviled thing,
Loathsome freak of filth? What knows the mole
Of soaring heights, of eagles’ breadth of wing,
Of piercing Heaven’s peerless, pearled bowl,
Of glory rising up from hearts that sing?

Alas, it is the artist's fate ever to be misunderstood. Oh why, why, why do I go on? It is too much. Now, now I fear, at last, I shall fall silent.


Chuck said...

Ahk, it was probably just the subject matter.

Jack H said...

Very well. I accept your apology.

You have no idea how difficult it is for me to please my vast reading public. My private correspondences are voluminous, all begging for this or for that. The burden is becoming onerous. *Oh Jack H, tell us more about how bad the islamists are!!* "Oh Jack H, won't you share with us from the fresh-flowing font of your incredible wisdom?!?" It's endless.

And at the top of almost everyone's list seems to be my sex life. Really, how inappropriate. The interest, I mean, not my sex life. So if from time to time my iron will warps slightly, and I condescend to satisfy in some small measure the endless racket of requests, well, I might be forgiven that minor flaw, from my more refined readers.

But I digress. I believe we left off where you were telling me about how wonderful I am? Please, continue.


Chuck said...

Whew! That's better. You had me worried there for a moment.

Jack H said...