Friday, July 13, 2007

Ess Ee Ex

Some things are just wrong. Some are of questionable taste. Some are hypersensitivity. Take, for example, Jessica Rabbit. She's not bad. She's just drawn that way. But really my dear, considering the uncertainty of the world with its propensity for accidents, won't you please think about maybe wearing panties?

It's what old-time newspaper reporters called a wide-open beaver, in those days spotted most frequently by stares. Stairs.

Ah, that's better. The animators made some changes for the home video market. Children are watching, after all.

Speaking of children, why, here's Baby Herman. What a scamp. But what's this? He's storming off the set in a fit, and as he passes between a young woman's legs, he extends his finger.

Perhaps it is a middle finger, but when you're a cartoon you have only four, so half your fingers are middle. Probably means nothing. Oh, but when he emerges from under the skirts he's drooling, lasciviously.

That's just wrong. The animators corrected the incident for home video. Still, it's only a cartoon.

Sometimes it gets complicated. Take for example The Rescuers:

How sweet. Cute little mice riding swiftly in a makeshift sled. But ... but ... why, what's that? In the window! That certainly doesn't look like a cartoon to me. I do believe it's a real live human woman, with exposed breasts. Twice. Goodness, that's just wrong.

And The Little Mermaid.

A favorite of every little girl. But little girls should know something about boys. There are differences after all, which should be pointed out. Perhaps there is some subtle way to prepare the lasses?

What ... there are angry, scary people in the world? That's certainly true, but you'll notice they can be male or female. Angry scariness is hardly something little girls cannot easily observe for themselves. What, then?

Ah, of course. The symbolism of architecture. The royal holdings of the Undersea Kingdom are noteworthy for their many prominent erections. The Turgid Turret. The Tower of Tumescence. Admittedly, it is very small. Hm, that didn't come out right. It is very insignificant, way off there in the background. I hope the little girls are able to see it. After all, we shouldn't like the wedding night to be too great a surprise.

Ah. The climax. A traditional wedding, and not one of those freaky inappropriate "marriages" we've been hearing about. Well, it is between a human and a fish, but it's only a cartoon after all. Nothing wrong in that, then. Blessed by a Bishop of the One True Church -- that proves it's all right. Could a Bishop be wrong? And that strange little bulge in the Bishop's trousers?

His knees. Cartoon bishops have very skinny and knobby knees. So do I. His penis would be much higher. Mine is.

The tower artwork was corrected after the scandal became embarrassing. The Bishop's lower extremities were not. Not everything is significant, after all.

Sometimes it just looks that way.

Well might a young lion lie beneath the effervescent sky, dreaming of we know not what. How are we to know the dreams of young lion kings? The stars are silent, and what we imagine we might see in them is as meaningless as streams of dust that curl through the still air, then twist into nothingness.

We have to be careful, then, in discerning between imagination and reality. Sometimes the line gets blurred. We mustn't run off half-cocked. We should have a sense of humor about us. Otherwise the world is too horrible to contemplate.


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