Brilliant!

Hi bitches. Well I know you’re all just breathless for the news! I went out clubbing tonight just as I said I would. Was it good? It was FABULOUS! Butt let me start from the big inning. The Cock Ring-- I got the club’s name off a bathroom stall, so I was a leetle beet wary. But what’s a girl to do? -- be a wallflower for the rest of her life? So I hopped into my Miata convertible and tooled over to Pasadena -- all the cute boys hang there -- and can’t you just imagine my surprise to find someone I actually know working the door! You’ll never guess who, and far be it from me to out him -- let’s just say that if you see me staring wistfully in a certain direction, you’ll feel the chemistry!

Inside? Oh! The lights! The smells! So virile! Nero would be proud! A riot of feathers and leather -- flashing and sweating and pumping -- it was AMAZING! I just couldn’t wait to get on the dance floor, just jumped right in and started grinding on the first pair of skin-tights I could lay my rosy palms on! -- a lovely Haitian boy with the most BEAUTIFUL coco butter skin! Like caramel, and just as sweet! The back of his neck … it’s why Lucifer fell. Between the sylph-like twinks and those divine dusky papis I was the BELLE of the BALL! Two pelons bumped me into a corner and turned my clothes inside out. They gave me a YG banger name, Peewee, put a turbo in my mouth and told me I was their "toss up puto por vida"! I felt so dirty! It was so arousing! I almost got an erection! A couple of Laotian dreamboats were doing a sizzling lambada that just made me moist! And a Nubian stallion showed me the difference between a finger and a foot! Believe you me, Sugar, the myths are true! By Mighty Hermaphrodite!

And I met the Man of My Diarrheams! He’s Bulgarian, which is soooooo hot, and a … wait for it … FIREMAN!!! Girlfriend, when he pulled me to his breast and whispered that into my ear, my tighty-whities got three pounds heavier! I actually swooned, and he had to CARRY me off the dance floor! It was sooooo romanlytic. The DJ was playing The Rose. I woke up tasting salt. Tears in my dreams, I think. So beautiful. Bette Midler is a GODDESS!

The sad news is that Bogdan and I didn’t get down to ground level. Nobody has pitted my peach, yet. That’s okay. I’m a conservative gay, and I’ve always believed in waiting until I feel the moment is right, when that special someone will pluck the moreno rose I’ve been saving for him. I’ll just know, and because it will be right we won’t even have to use condoms. It will be amazing!

But a funny thing happened on the drive home. I realized that America sucks. Which in this case is a bad thing. And all of a sudden Jessie Jackson seemed so smart, so principled and wise. How could I have been so blind? And what have I been thinking, being Retardican all these years? Was I insane? Stupid Bush. Sweetie, there is no bush that I’m interested in. And all this stupidity about nationality and borders -- OMFG! ANYONE should be able to vote, and without ID. That’s what the Constitution is all about! A living, breathing document! So-called America. How fascist. What macho bullshit. Guns should be illegal. Taxes should be higher and midnight basketball is much better than fathers. Fathers are just a primitive holdover from a discredited and unevolved patriarchical system of oppression. It’s Hillary all the way! She’ll save us from Global Warming! Leave Iraq ALONE! I MEAN IT! RIGHT NOW!!!


J