Saturday, September 29, 2007

A Word In Your Ear

I’ve decided to start a clique where I roll. So that I can feel like I belong to something. There’s already a Team Negro -- that’s Negro with a foreign pronunciation. Neigh-grow. I asked if I could be on it, but for some reason the answer is no. Am I too tall? Hope it’s not that I’m too old. I was thinking Team Blanco, to match the Negro, but it seems a bit derivative. Team Cream. You like? But I think not. It just comes off as tepid. Team Tan? I don’t really qualify for that either. Team Pink? Frankly that better describes Team Negro. Well, no color will do, then. Not really my thing anyway. And the real problem is that any team of mine -- I don’t want anyone else on it. I’m not really a team player, and it’s not a team sport. So the need for a team must derive from something else -- some other need -- to separate, to exclude. To segregate.

But I’m really enjoying all the gay humor. All the sly and droll comments about everyone else being gay. It’s really witty. And the sex talk is also very cool. I wish there was so much more of it, so that I can imagine your rigid dick and hairy pumping ass even more often. Cool. Thanks for that. And about how long your penis is. That’s really interesting too. Um, so is there anything else I really admire about you? Let’s see -- gays and your dick … yeah, that's just about everything. Your two topics of conversation. Well, that’s fair -- I have two topics of conversation too, although I don’t bring them there. All I seem to want to talk about, there, is jiu jitsu. Guess I don’t have this “sociable” thing down quite right yet. I’ll have to add more talk about sex and race and shit like that. You know, so I fit in the way I want to.

Yeah, I hear you. About all my faults like how judgmental and uptight and hypocritical I am. So what’s your point, with all these insulting truths? That I’m a loser? I know that. I’m mentally unbalanced? I know that too. That you’re better than I am? In some ways you are. I don’t know by what standard we will ultimately be judged, whether by God or by an indifferent posterity. I do know that you have more public cause to feel shame than I do. But that’s what shamelessness does. Degrades itself, and the people around it. Pride is earned through admirable conduct.

For two years I’ve used that place as a refuge. I never brought politics or any personal issues there. Sometimes I respond to comments. Sometimes I ignore them. What I can’t do is unleash what I’m capable of -- it would be even more inappropriate than what you feel comfortable allowing yourself. Poor little me. There is no Team Jack. I used to think I didn’t drink coffee because I’d be awkward at meaningless small talk. Now I think that I’m not capable of small talk, and anything else just leads to fights. I had a place of refuge, where I could fight. I’ll just give up on the rest of it. Leave it for you.

Who? You. Who are you? Find something that describes your conduct, and figure it out. But I hardly know who. It’s hard to see anything honest, behind the wall of noise.


Oh, by the way, I’ve got it all arranged. Saturday night I’m gonna be working on that gay thing of mine. All day I’ve been practicing dancing with my arms over my head, and I’m making a passing fair job of it. So wish me luck. Gay gay gay. Team Gay. I’ll tell you all about it next time. All about my penis and testicles and anus, and what I did with them. It’ll be really interesting. You’ll be fascinated.

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