Iraqnam

Defeat in Iraq is a very good thing. All those lives of American soldiers will be spared. Hundreds of billions of dollars in military expenses will be saved -- no doubt to be invested wisely in domestic entitlements by the soon-to-be elected Dhemocrat-controlled White House with her House and Senate. The moral authority of the United States will be greatly enhanced. Such moral arbiters as France and Russia, China and Syria will applaud and commend our courage and clarity in joining the rest of the civilized world in giving up our hubris and imperialist ambitions.

My son will be removed from harm’s way.

Frankly I cannot see a downside. It’s a win win win win win situation. Yes. Losing is winning.

As for Iraq, it is none of our affair. We have no business there. There were no WMD -- just a few old dried-out gas bombs and stuff. But even if there had been a hollowed-out mountain full of nukes, we had no business there. Iraq was a sovereign nation, doing no harm to anyone at the time. Saddam was in a box. Who could argue with that? He’d learned his lesson, and any shots fired at American fly-overs was just him saving his Moslem face -- 100% understandable.

The Kurds can go to hell. Are they American? No. Not our business then. Period. We owe them nothing. They might as well be, oh, say, South Vietnamese.

Torture? America is just as bad. Worse, even, since we pretend to be good. Panties on heads and barking dogs may not technically be as bad as rape rooms or industrial plastic shredders, but humiliation is as much a torture as physical violence -- the difference is only in degree.

It’s about time that America confess its insane and greedy addiction for Iraqi oil and stop stealing it and live like the rest of the world. What’s wrong with dirt floors anyway? Toilet paper is its own kind of decadence. It takes 100 tons of water to grow an acre of wheat. Water ain’t just a river in Egypt, you know.

When the Dhems take the White House, they will do what they did with Vietnam. We’ve seen it before. In November of ’74 the Dehms won 49 seats in the House and a month later they stopped all military aid to South Vietnam; in April of ’75 we refused to vote special funds to help our former ally in fending off the North Vietnamese invasion. This was a great benefit to the Vietnamese people, millions of whom got into rafts hoping to sail to prosperity in America upon the peaceful waves of the rolling blue Pacific. Sea voyages are a luxury, and good for the health. Hopefully we’ll see a prudent Dhemocrat left-leaning President embark on such a course again. It’s what Dhems do -- save us from ourselves.

Iraq is definitely Vietnam. The American soldiers who perished in roadside bombings are perfectly analogous to the 4000 US troops killed in the Tet offensive -- which we lost, despite nearly sixty thousand dead enemy combatants and an utterly ruined communist army. Fortunately this time around all the Media is Walter Cronkite -- the voice of sanity and true patriotism, informing us that we have lost. All we need to make this a perfect reprise of the glorious 1970s is the removal of a president -- and that will come not soon enough though. Oh, and then we can elect another Carter! Who needs a Shah, anyway? Ayatollahs are the wave of the future. Catch the wave, so very peacenik, so very bluestate!

Islamists? Who are the islamists? Moslems, that’s all. What have we to fear from Islam? It is the Religion of Peace. If we do not provoke them, they will not be provoked -- despite intimations and evidence to the contrary. So simple and obvious. The only thing we have to fear is ... ourselves. Damn Americans. I hate myself for so many excellent reasons.

What? You think I’ve been insincere and illogical? I'm insane? I’m hopped up on goofballs?

Being insincere, illogical, insane and hopped up on goofballs is a very good thing.


J