Sunday, January 20, 2008

I Want to Become President

As all informed readers will know, Forgotten Prophets™ is renowned for the unmatched quality of its Investigative Reporting. Our corporate trophy room is filled to overflowing with Pulitzer Prizes, Newberry Awards and suchlike. It was therefore merely a matter of time before we uncovered the document -- Obama's kindergarten essay that outlined the grand scheme of his life's plan.

Before we reproduce the text, a few words about the investigative process are in order. The essay's existence first came to light when operatives for the Hillary presidential campaign interviewed the teacher of Obama when he was five years old in Indonesia. She recalled that Obama had written an essay which he blatantly titled "I Want to Become President".

Hillary's agents managed to coax similar memories from the aged pedagogue regarding the literary efforts of the precocious Barack. Other essay titles that she remembered include "Ringo Is My Favorite Beatle," "The Tooth-Fairy and Other Christian Western Lies," and "The Socio-Economic Ramifications of the Gold Standard as It Pertains to Southeast Asian International Trade, with Special Emphasis on Textile Manufacturing in Fiscal 1966 (and my mommy did not help me)". Texts of these works have not yet been uncovered.

As for Master Barack's political treatise, our investigative team was led a merry chase. His teacher, Mrs. Glynis Thistlewaite-Harumphy of Madding-under-Bulge, recalled that she had saved the document for several years, until it was stolen from its frame by house-breaking hooligans. With the aid of Interpol, the daughter of one of the offenders was found, who revealed that the text of the essay had been inscribed onto a copper scroll by an outlawed prophetic sect of Dervishes.

This scroll in turn was thought to have been lost in the great conflagration that erupted when Jakarta's sewer system exploded in 1971. But blastwaves propelled the sacred relic into a rooftop budgie hutch, wherein it remained undetected for several decades. When it was finally discovered, upon the demolition of the hutch, the scroll's value was unrecognized, and it was melted down to make nose rings for North Korean pigs.

In the meantime, the actual essay itself was produced and handed to our investigators by the hooligan's daughter, one Navratilova Glick, who had been using it as a bookmark in her studies of the collected works of Balzac.

With that history being told, leave us to proceed to the text itself:


"I Want to Become President"
Barack O., age 5 and 1 half
Being president means many things to many people. It is a very good thing. To some, it seems bad. To others it seems good. It means many things. Many people have different ideas about it. Some think it is good. Others think it is bad. It means many things. People like it, while other people do not. The different ideas that many people have about it mean many things to them. There are many opinions. Many people have opinions about this. It is a very good thing.


The implications of this raw, this bare naked ambition are overwhelming. The ramifications are beyond calculation. Is a man like this suitable for high office? In light of these shocking revelations, the staff of Forgotten Prophets™ have no recourse but to throw our full influence and support behind the Hillary Milk Train. She's the Juggernaut, bitch.

Next week these pages will reveal the shocking truth about John Edwards' hair, and from what part of his body the plugs were taken. Hillary has all her hair, which is blonde.



Si's blog said...

All them politicians have naked ambition. The nature of our 21st Century political process. Hitler said "the end justifies the means" as he cleaned his house. Politicians firmely believe that, too.

And then there is Hillary. Professional killer. Right for the jugular.

I want to see pictures of the hair plugs being done.

Jack H said...

Ooo! Show me the naked politicians!!! That's so hot. I've always had a thing for the Sexetary of State!

As for the plugs and their origin, our, uh, "crack" investigative team is on it at this very moment. We'll scoop the Inquirer!


Si's blog said...

They say that W has had some naked ambitions toward his Sexetary of State, too. Want to see videos of that, too.

Jack H said...

Toscanini once said to an unfortunate cellist that she had the most beautiful instrument in the world between her legs, and all she could do is scratch it.

Here we are, with the internet, the greatest informational device ever, and we use it for sex. Hm.