Monday, July 14, 2008


I was told something that could be pretty unsettling, in a harsh light. Somebody has been heard on various occasions by various persons to say, "I got Jack kicked out." Something like that. In a tone described as bragging. Manipulation, instigation, gloating. There's more, of course, odd things I've been aware of and put in the anomalous evidence file. But this is explicit.

The ultimate responsibility lies with R, and K. But if this is true, as it was understood ... well, it's only the details that can be surprising. I've never indulged in a relating of the details of my particular tragedies. Enough has been hinted at, to indicate that I do know quite a bit about betrayal. But just as death teaches us to deal with loss, betrayal teaches that trust is a valuable commodity, to be earned, rather than squandered.

There is a sort of gallows humor, where such a statement as that reported above is harmless. A tad insensitive, but I'm not one to quibble with that. What if it's literal though? What if it was what it seemed to be? Evil is doing deliberate harm for selfish reasons.

I've never seen the point of violence. I'm not really interested in hurting someone because of my emotion. Aside from pure evil, violence has only one point, to kill. Well, another, to coerce. Justice might require these, death, pain, but I don't believe in justice. What response, then? Some data collection, if I can get cooperation, then a face to face sit-down, if it can be arranged.

What purpose? What good? None. Denials only, of course. Which can have only one of two motives: truth, or deception. No real good comes of poison. But it does have to be puked out. I can't be complicitous. Integrity has a threshold point, beyond which silence is consent. There is no confession, no repentance, redemption. God has to die for that. How often does that happen? There is no honesty, no friendship. There is no trust.

These guys never knew me. Even the ones who've read this blog have no idea. I've expended a fair amount of energy in carefully revealing my weaknesses. I'm a lot more dangerous than I seem.



brent said...

Last night one of the boys that was lining up for group said he hated me. (I know, absurd isn't it?) I didn't hear this but the nurse did and confronted him. He got mad and denied it and then went to his room and refused group. Maybe that was his plan. Probably not. He was just being a kid. I later talked to the nurse and told her I don't need to be defended. People need to come to their own conclusions and the truth will eventually come to the top - a sort of justice. People have a right to their own opinion even if it is wrong. Truth is vindicated by her children. Sometimes we garner respect by the blows we take - especially from children.

jack h said...

I would never complain about being hated. It's being poisoned. If the boy had thrown a rock at your head, you would have wanted to be defended.

I can take blows. But what did Jesus do when he was struck? He asked, why did you strike me?

Part of friendship is to hold our friends accountable. This is a guy with issues. Should he be abandoned to them? Even if his friendship has been only words, my friendship is real. It always, aways, always, has a cost. That should be enough of a blow.