Tuesday, May 5, 2009

"IDP" Absolutely SUCKS!

I made the mistake of going to the so-called "Infinite Dinosaurs Total Fitness Boutique" for about three days. Total ripoff. Unbelievably bad. First of all, it's in a storage shed behind The Liquor Barn, and the place stinks of bum urine and there are broken syringes all over the sidewalk. There's like one 40 watt bulb hanging from a cord in the middle of the space, that keeps getting broken when you do the idiotic "exercises."

Jack H who runs the place is a total amateur conman, and he charges $375 per month. It's like he makes it up on the spot, when he runs the so-called "workouts". One time he had us flapping our arms like chickens for 45 minutes. He called it the "mega-delt-lat-blaster" or some crap like that. Said it would give us shoulders like a "bunt cake" whatever the hell that is. And he's always hitting on the chicks in this really cheesy old-guy way. He says "Hey, qt, how's it playin" and then he says, "that's 'q' and 't', as in 'quite tasty'." And then he giggles through his nose. Just embarrassing.

He's always pushing his crap products, and I saw his storeroom full of unsold junk from like the 80s. Now it's his InfidiNopro thing. It's a bunch of photocopied pages stapled together. Want to know what "Tonal Tonics" is? It's you, with your nose pressed to the bathroom mirror, screaming at the top of your lungs for 15 minutes nonstop. The noise is supposed to reflect back and "tone" not just your face muscle -- he calls it an "instant mega minifacelift" -- but it does your abs too, he says. Moron. His "MacroFascial Flexic Blast" is about 3 feet of 7 inch by 5/8 rubberbands hooked together like you did when you were in 4th grade. I kid you not. It is literally garbage. You wrap it around your head and make faces. The moron doesn't even know what fascia means.

He has this fixation with this dude on the internet called Ivan -- he thinks he's got some sort of actual relationship with him, and there are Ivan posters all over the walls, lifted off the youtube vid and enlarged at kinkos, and there's this one screeching song playing over and over and over. Dude is a total closet homo.

Instead of Infinite Dino-sucks I highly recommend HyperSquad High-Quality Testosterone Factory. It's just across and down the street from Jack H's shed, and they know what the hell they're doing so you won't end up with scabies from touching that scandalous floor. Dude doesn't even own a mop.

A Reviewer


Anonymous said...

Do not believe this review! It is totally bogus! I have been a member of this highly elite INFINITE DINOSAURS™ TOTAL FITNESS BOUTIQUE! for many years, and it is ABSOLUTELY AWESOME! Jack H is an AMAZING instructor, and his abs are totally OFF THE HOOK! The chicks all really dig him, and his products sell at an amazing rate.

Jack H said...

And furthermore, I know this dude who wrote that review, and HE'S the one who's a closet case. He didn't want to take his shirt off cuz he has a nipple fixation or something. So I kicked him out and now he's all mad like a P-Factor™ baby.

Jack H said...

And also, this poser reviewer has violated trademark law by not including the trademark symbol when he mentioned Jack H's proprietorial products and ideas. All rights commercial and/or otherwise to INFINITE DINOSAURS™ and/or any of its concepts and/or products are hereby asserted and affirmed by their respective legal owner(s). Violators will be prosecuted.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and never mind that the heading in those other two comments and the icon was that of Jack H. It's just a glitch or something in the system. It's very common, as a search of the relevant websites on the internet will prove.