Monday, June 8, 2009


. ...
.Speaking as a man with perfect choles.terol, I feel it incumbent up.on myself to remind .you about my perfect cholesterol. .. There were a few ... well, quite a few excellent points I made in our last installment, but among them was the fact that my IQ, which is fabulously, astronomically high, is much much higher than my cholesterol le.vels. That's as it should be. Of course, my IQ is higher than your cholesterol levels. Or would that be "level"? No matter. It is whatever I say it is. And I mean that, even for you waxworks dummies, so full of cholesterol that you're in love with Madame Tussauds and want to marry her. That's so lame.

So I've given the slobbering readership of this blog, henceforth Lowcholesterol Man!!!, the rare opportunity to ask me anything, and get a true and correct answer. Our first question comes from Viktor Freeze, who asks, "Dear Doc H -- why is the sky blue?" The answer is, The sky is blue because I say so. And by the way, I am not an actual doctor. The appropriate form of address would be Master H.

Next, from Marto A. Ruona Killings, "Dear Doc H, is it true that bananas are actually a legume?" That is an excellent question, Billy, and virtually nobody knows the answer. But given my astronomical IQ and my astoundingly perfect ...cholesterol scores, I am uniquely suited to know the answer, even though I just said nobody knows. Bananas are neither a fruit, as is sometimes falsely reported, nor a legume. I mean, does that even make sense? Does a banana look like a pea? Of course not. Bananas are a type of animal, related to starfish, and they are a life form created in a laboratory deep within the dark lumen of a giant orbiting mothership spacecraft orbiting in synchronous orbit behind the moon's orbit. Bananas were a failed experiment carried out by Yakub, the evil scientist who created the Caucasian, or "white" devil race on the Isle of Patmos, which is a spaceship.

Kenneth Laviers, of North Hollywood, California, asks, "Dear Doc H, tell us more about your penis." I'm sorry, that was not in the form of a question.

Aldritch Gunn, a missionary in Burkina Faso, wonders, "Doc H: Can you tell us more about your penis?" Yes I can.
Our next question comes from Olive Grape, located on or near the Campus of a Major University: "My Darling Doc H, what news is there about your penis? Please be specific, with statistics and raw data."

Well. I must say. I'm slightly disturbed and gratified by the direction this open forum has taken. Of course it is easy for one such as myself to find a reason for such a detour -- cholesterol is a building block of testosterone, of which I am full, just a big bag, a bulging sac full of T, so that even if I ate dead things like you do all that extra dead cholesterol would just go to making even more testosterone, like some sort of juiced up wife beating musclehead and that would just be a little too much even for me, because how full of testosterone can I be after all, all because of my fabulous cholesterol, which automatically raises the issue of my unit, but Lowcholesterol Man!!! is a blog of the very highest quality, which does not cater to the puerile or vulgar interests with which you consume yourself in the decadent degradation of your low and vile character. ...... Here I am trying to uplift you, like a one-man Atlas, although he was one man, or god if you will, and, well, I've forgotten my point. But I think I must have made it by now, whatever it was.

It must be that I'm full of testosterone, and you're full of cholesterol. How I pity you.


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