Sunday, June 7, 2009


Why is all my cholesterol good? Because it's mine. I make it, so it's what I need. See? I don't eat some animal's cholesterol, that it made for itself. That seems significant. Imagine eating someone else's cholesterol.

I've decided that my superhero identity shall be Lowcholesterol Man. Oh, didn't you know? Yes, there are real superheroes. My costume shall be a styrofoam and felt celery stalk suit, with holes for my arms to stick through, and "LM" stitched onto the breastplate. (I anticipate jealous, snide and spiteful jibes such as being called The Celery Stalker, or having to hear about how The Celery Stalks by Midnight, but my quiet and unfailing dignity will win them all over.) My superpower? It shall be the force of my logic and my powerful example of healthful lifestyle choices.
(Prototype of Lowcholesterol Man superhero costume, front and back view.)

My archenemy slash nemesis shall be Captain Putrefaction, who has the appearance of an unhealthy large bowel lining, and whose crimes are perpetrated mostly by means of an overwhelming stench. His young sidekick shall be Dark Lumen, formerly Colon Boy. I work alone. So, a brief scenario:

In a medium-sized city, much like your home town, on a pleasant avenue in the business district, there is a sudden disturbance in a branch bank. Yes, it's the nefarious Captain Putrefaction, who has slimed his way through the front doors and past the guard on duty, only to unloose from a secret orifice a creeping malignant fog, almost palpable in its oily miasmatic thickness. Guards, patrons, tellers -- all stand petrified for an eternal instant, a look of inexpressible horror and despair on their faces ... and then they collapse, as if dead. Captain Putrefaction lets slip a hateful lisping snigger, and commences scooping up the loot into yet another of his secret compartments. (Dark Lumen™ is in North Korea on extended assignment at the behest of Osama bin Laden.)

Meanwhile, unbeknownst (which I believe is a word) to the archfiend, Jack H, mild-mannered internet blog celebrity, discerns some subtle disturbance in the tone or tenor of the city's usually irenic mood. He also happens to be leafing through a magazine, not pornographic, no, something of a high intellectual calibre, perhaps on history or current events, at the international news stand just outside the bank's porticoed entrance. Instantly acting on his highly-tuned instinctive intuition, Jack H dashes surreptitiously into a nearby dark alcove-like doorway, and transforms himself with lightning speed into ... Lowcholesterol Man! Then he goes into the bank and saves the day.

So it will be something like that. It just gets boring having to write it all out, you know, with details and stuff. You get the point. It's all about my low cholesterol, which is so low and excellent because I don't eat dead things, like you do. Did you know that I'm almost 50? And did you hear about how low my low cholesterol is? A low score in this particular case is a good thing. Like golf, I think. It's the opposite of IQ. My IQ is much much higher than my cholesterol, which is amazingly low, so that's not saying much, but anyway everything is really good with me, the way it should be.

So anyway, every time from now on that you see, say, a period, think about how low my IQ is and how high my cholesterol is. It will be a reminder for you about me and how great I am.


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