Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Another Hero!

Back when I came back from serving in Vietnam during my military service as a lowly grunt as we military guys say, well do I remember the loneliness and solitude of my sad homecoming. It is with bitter coldness that I returned to my beloved native homeland of the United States of America, which I had heroically served as a military hero, having won as I did several Bronze Stars and Purple Hearts, and a Congressional Medal of Honor too. I well remember how Lyndon Baines Johnson consulted me about the proper course of action, and Kennedy did too, and Nixon. All of this was before I won the Pulitzer Prize for my hardhitting exposé of all that corruption that was going on, that I hate so much.

So now you should vote for me again, and elect me once more to this political office that I'm running for again. Because I will do exactly what you want, as a sign of my superb leadership. I will renew American greatness and take us to Mars, and slash the deficit so that there's lots of money for everyone. You can trust me in this because I'm a hero, like all the other heroes I served with. We're all heroes. Unlike some dude who was only in the reserves, and got deferments like a whitebread coward. How embarrassing it would be to have to admit that. Sure am glad that's not me. Nope. Heh.

Um, so that Times article about me, about how I've been lying for all these decades about my heroic service, how I didn't go to Viutnam at all, well, I may have misspoken a few times, but I will not have my noble selfless service impugned, I say in a tone of voice quavering slightly with righteous indignation, not at all shame for having been caught out by slimy lies. And like a real man I'm saying to these cameras that I take full responsibility for my absolutely unintentional remarks. But I'm a hero. No duh. Sheesh. I mean, sheesh. So, uh, vote for Blumenthal! That's how it's spelled, right? Blumenthal? Now where the hell is my driver? Get me the hell out of this stinking toilet. God I hate these losers. Just having to be around them, see their ugly faces. Drive, asshole.


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