I'm bordering on depression. It's a choice, and I'm deciding against it. But even so. Got some bjj in today. Just reinforced how rudimentary I am at it. If I were small, I'd lose all the time, fast. It does come back reasonably quickly, but only with practice, and I just don't get as much as I need. In the near future there was an open door to role with a white belt female. But no. It's complicated. Social pressure and gender pressure and undiluted one-on-one pressure with no chance to triangulate. No chaperon. Life has shown that I can rise to any demand. But I have a choice here. My point? Well, it must be that complicated things are depressing.
I have this cat who waits at my door, but I'm never home, except at 10. She managed to pry open the door and rip through the screen, to get to me. Bu I wasn't there. She's on my lap now. I've had better cats. Much much better. I think I like cats more than dogs now. This surprises me, because I've been a dog guy. But cats are not so needy, and I'm tired of being needed. Or maybe I need to be needed. I don't know which. It's complicated. I do know there's a deep loneliness in my soul and I don't think it will ever be filled. But I'm trembling on depression, so that's just an opinion of the moment. For all its pervasiveness.
I'm kind of sick of myself. I don't understand what life is about. Yeah, I know, adoring God, and doing good. But I mean really. I just want to get laid. Kidding. Or am I. See? What do we fill ourselves with.
I hardly ate today. Eating my stew now, and then I'll read for a while, and go to sleep. I'm reading Leviticus. One of my favorite books.