Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Rapture

Greetings Fellow Christians --

I must admit it comes as a surprise to me, that when the Rapture happened, some time within the past 20 hours or so, it appears that absolutely everyone in the world came with me. Everyone was Raptured. Did not see that coming. It is equally surprising to me that Heaven, to which we all have been Raptured, is in every way, to the smallest detail, exactly the same as the Former Earth. How odd. I should have thought that some people, some sects, would be excluded, you know, as unbelievers. Atheists, Unitarians, Mormons, Anglicans, Catholics of course, Buddhists, Moslems and their subsect Terrorists, Liberals and their drug-addict and child-molester subsects ... and so on. But no. Everyone came with me.

I think I remember it -- I think I noticed. I was eating my waffles and felt a slight something not entirely unlike the passing of intestinal gas. That must have been it. So we've been in Heaven for, oh, about twelve hours now. It's great. Not quite what I anticipated, but it's fantastic. I believe I saw 72 virgins, and now that I'm in Heaven I am free to act on that knowledge, if you get what I mean. Ring-a-ding-ding!

Thank goodness though that we have such wise and sound biblical scholars as the Reverend Harold Camping to inform us of these things. I'm afeared it might otherwise have gone unnoticed, and man oh man would God have been annoyed about that. LOL. Now, it may perhaps be true that the Reverend Harold Camping was not completely accurate in his previous prediction of an imminent Rapture of 1994, but this is just one interpretation. Perhaps it DID happen in 1994, and we've been in Heaven all this time. It could also be true that it happened, either in 1994, or today, or both, and nobody was Raptured. Well, no, that coudn't be right. I would have been Raptured. And I was. So you must have been as well. Feels great, doesn't it. Now I can finally be happy.

Even the Revered Harold Camping, re his prediction ... no, his prophecy of the 1994 Rapture, said that at that time he had not sufficiently studied the book he had based his research in. Maybe he hadn't bothered to read it all the way to the end? Perhaps he was reading an abridged edition? I hear it's a translation, this "Bible", and maybe he got hold of a pirated or garbled version? Maybe he was reading a photocopy -- some of them can be pretty hard to read. But this time he would have been really careful, knowing as he must the penalty set to overtake a false prophet -- one who speaks in the name of the Lord, wrongly. So, definitely, the Rapture has occurred. ... I'm sure he must know the punishment of false prophets. He read that part, right?

The bad news is that it may have been only me who was Raptured, and I'm acting as a sort of ghost in this world, or an angel, yeah, Translated but Left Behind, somehow, to minister unto the great sea of lost souls that make up the roiling mass of damned humanity. Yes, this too would explain all the evidence. Well, it's complicated. In either case, whether we've all been snatched up, or just me, the Reverend Harold Camping is a sound and revered, and reverent, and reverend, man of God, very wise, prudent, humble, sound.

It's so nice to have great men in charge the way we do. Camping, Obama -- this is a Golden Age, indeed. I wonder if Camping voted for Obama. I wonder if Obama is part of Camping's flock. But it's idle speculation. God is in charge, now -- as always. Hurrah.



bob k. mando said...

would that you had posted this Friday.

Jack H said...

What, am I a prophet?

bob k. mando said...

no need for you to prophesy.

a satirist could have done as well.