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Sunday, May 29, 2011

Showtime

Hassan: I do not know, Osama -- you are looking a little ragged.

Osama: What do you mean, "ragged."

Hassan: You know -- a little shaggy.

Osama: "Shaggy"?

Hassan: In the nostril area. It is like you have been living in a cave or something.

Ali: Without a mirror.

Osama: Well, stupid, does this look like a cave to you? It is like the Ritz-Carlton. So what is your point?

Hassan: Yes. What I am trying to say is that you look like you have been.

Ali: Living in a cave.

Osama: Yes, I heard you already about that. You should stop reading the National Inquirer. I do not wake up every day next to goats, nor have I been eating Hot Pockets for 5 years, cold Hot Pockets. I see the talking heads say this about me on CNN and it just makes me crazy. I have a mud pack every morning, for my public. Here I am, slaving away planning Allah's worldwide Caliphate and you come harping at me about some stray hairs coming out of my nose?

Hassan: It just does not look right. A little tweezing might be good. And all this gray, in your beard--

Ali: It makes you look old.

Osama: So what are you trying to say? You are saying I look old?

Hassan: Maybe a little color, a little dye job would be good. Just for the camera you understand.

Osama: What, like paint?

Hassan: Well, shoe polish. Maybe some shoe polish.

Osama: Do we have any shoe polish? Go ask. Ask somebody who has shoes. Not the women though.

Ali: I have some shoe polish. But it is brown though.

Osama: Does my beard look brown to you?

Ali: Well--

Osama: All right then. Shut up. And are there any more little comments about my appearance you would like to make? Perhaps something about how white my teeth are?

Hassan: Osama. Do not be like that. We are just trying to--

Ali: They are pretty yellow.

Osama: I do not believe you people. Here I have been trapped in this sweltering compound with all these aging wives of mine and these screaming ill-mannered kids and no internet and you come picking at me because I have some ear hair! Sometimes I just do not know why I bother.

Ali: Nose hair.

Hassan: Osama. Osama. Listen. It is just for the camera. To us you are beautiful. But the camera is so cruel, so harsh. Every little wrinkle--

Ali: It adds ten years.

Osama: So why not get someone else to make these videotapes? Why does it always have to be me? I am an idea man, not some tanned pretty boy, some smooth little fig-picker wiggling his tight little bottom up in a tree.

Hassan: It is just the demographics. We have to appeal to the widest possible audience. Surveys show that females between the ages of 16 and 24 inclusive do not respond well to--

Osama: Just get out. Leave me alone. I am sick to death of the sight of you. I wish I had stayed in Jeddah. I hate my life.

Hassan: But--

Osama: I said get out! Out of my rumpus room!

Hassan: Very well. I will come back later with that shoe polish. Just give it a try. It will be fine.

Osama: Right. Whatever. Just go now.

Ali: And a tweezers.

Osama: Will somebody please shoot him?

Hassan: Good one, Osama.

Osama: And please tell those neighbors to keep down the noise? Damn kids with their minibikes. Sounds like they are landing a helicopter on the roof.


J

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