I can't stop thinking about it. The weirdness. The rudeness. The bloated egotism. The transparent insecurity. To think that these shallow, stupid, vain, stunted, narcissistic fools had power over me when I was small ... well, it's enough to make me a bodybuilder. The fact that I was once vulnerable to these mediocre scum is insufferable.
It calls out of me an immaturity that I rarely have to face. A sort of competitiveness that I've avoided my whole life. A cross between the learned helplessness of a double-bind childhood -- where futility was the dominant lesson -- and a rage that if indulged it would require traumatic intervention of the legal system. So I avoid it.
The BBC has been on the radio, interviewing Ron Kovic, the Born on the Fourth of July Vietnam War protester. And I'm thinking, this is how they mark Independence Day? I think of that protesting generation as cowards. Justifiably I think, because as soon as the draft stopped, the protests stopped. But it can't really be cowardice. Nor backstabbing liberal antiamerican disloyalty. It's just a different perspective.
I'm not a man who has many doubts. Mostly because I make sure of the evidence before I adopt an opinion. I see the other side of the argument. I see it as the weaker side, taken by those who take it not necessarily out of malice, but from some specific human failing that controls us all, generally. Not a lot of doubt, then. That's something else I avoid. But I really don't pray anymore. I doubt God's willingness to intercede. That can't be the faith of my original salvation.
Well, I'm a little low right now. No matter. That's what holidays are for.