I'm not feeling very manly. I've been thinking about how people carve out a place for themselves in the world, select and build a career, find a good woman and start a family, buy property, invest, save ... find a place, and status, and respect. I did all of that, once, not well but it was something, and the world rose up like a mounting storm and took it from me. Not self pity ... I am God's fool, and for that I deserve what I get. But I never rebuilt. I went to ground, like a wildman in the wilderness, and stayed crazy for a decade or more. It's not manly.
I've got a friend who made a little self-deprecating joke that went largely unnoticed. Call it about height. And I think, being as I am in a certain frame of mind, that he has a beautiful wife, and great kids, and material prosperity and personal accomplishments, and he has earned my respect and won my love, and he's certainly the most manly person I know, in the fullest meaning of the word. Lest there be any confusion on the matter, that doesn't have anything to do with height. I would give up a few inches, to have a better character.
But that's not how it works. There is a swelling melancholy in my soul, a sense of squandered potential. Well, of course you recognize my potential. It is self-evident, as in this blog. But this blog is smoke signals, ephemera, incunabula, and it's almost all I have done in many years. Insignificant. I would like another family, a son and then a daughter, and foster kids maybe, and a house, and a faithful woman who loves me.
Know any available fertile women, who like sex and kids and have a sense of humor and are into health and fitness and have enough patience to outwait the diversionary defensive tactics of a really weird but loyal and fundamentally worthwhile man? No? Well screw you then. Wasting my valuable time.
J
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