Saturday, May 19, 2012


Bandwagon? I don't know what the hell you mean, bandwagon. I ain't jumpin on no stinkin bandwagon. I can't believe you disrespectin me that way. Bandwagon. Sheesh.

So there's Harvard Law's first woman of color, Elizabeth Warren, and Harvard Law's first Law Review Editor of color, Barack Obama, and, uh, um, well, my grasp of the details is a bit shaky, so I can't make a longer list, but the upshot is here's a pic of the Warren woman:
Now while it is true that Ms Warren does not give the impression of not being a blond blue-eyed shiksa, this is an error of your biased misperception. She is not colorless, as you, a big bigot, appear to insist on asserting. She has color, baby, lots of color. She is a woman of color, and I don't mean white. White is not a color. I can't believe you didn't know that. She is not white, and if you were not such an imperialist racist you would have known that, and a sexist homophobe too. Now if I can be allowed to steer the conversation away from you for a moment, and back to the point, uh, well, I seem to have lost my train of thought. Thanks for that, loser.

Warren claimed as family lore that she had Cherokee blood. Some ancestor had high cheekbones, the way they all do, those Indians. That was the extent of her evidence, and on this basis she wrote on her various resumes and job applications that she was Native American. Unbelievably shoddy, of course, but it got her a job, at Harvard. After much scrambling, her instruments have produced a marriage certificate from the 1800s that lists some sort of decent from one of the tribes. Warren is, then, perhaps, potentially, one-thirty-second of color. Call it three percent.

Now Obama is most certainly a person of color. Black, as you will know, is not a color, but he is not actually black; I do not refer in this instance to his half-whiteness, via his mother -- rather, no one is black. Melanin is not black. Let's just say he's further along the continuum of brown upon which all humans find themselves. What Obama is not, is Kenyan. Oh, well, yes, from his father of course, and whatever the laws of Kenya are, would determine his citizenship in that regard, re a child born in America to an American woman by a Kenyan father. And yet, given that Obama is fully and completely and utterly American, born as he was of an American citizen, he himself has claimed, via his literary publicist, that he was born in Kenya. It's more exotic that way, makes his book, one of his autobiographies, more exotic, more authoritative, more saleable.

So I get it. Claiming some taint -- is that the right word? -- glory? -- of minority status conveys material advantage, in employment, and government charities, and social status, therefore people of low and slimy character tell lies to exploit this corruption in American politics. It's like Yahoo's CEO pretending to have a degree in computer science. It's like Radio Shack's CEO Edmondson claiming degrees in psychology and theology ... well, it's easy to fake that. It's like Notre Dame's head football coach, O'Leary, claiming a Masters from a university that doesn't exist, and three letters in football even though he never played a single game. It's like CEO and Pres Papows, of Lotus, claiming to have been a captain rather than Lt. in the army, and claiming a PhD never earned. Who was that hero politician who claimed a few years ago to be a hero but wasn't really? Well, that's almost all of them. No matter. Catch me if you can.

For my part, I am also part Native American. Honestly. First, the Five Civilized Tribes had a high component of Scandinavian culture and blood. So a more accurate formulation would be to say that Native Americans are blonds. But that's being pedantic. No, for me personally, I also have very high cheekbones ... so high that they're on my forehead. That's high, baby. And even more, when I was ten I heard one of my aunts say that my paternal grandfather had a rather rich heritage, for all that he claimed only Norway. I remember hearing he was "part Scottish and part Irish, and Indian, a lot of things..."

Therefore, on this basis, I am also Native American, and I mean the Indian kind, not just having been born here, and so a native, like me and Obama and my son, who was born in Australia but to me, and therefore fully American and eligible and electable to be President. But I prefer to be called Indian. Speaking as a person of color, as family lore affirms, I reject the whiteman's paternalistic indulgence of renaming me and my people. If Indian is good enough for casinos, it's good enough for my reparation checks, which I will be demanding shortly.

And it's not a bandwagon. I've had it with you and your wagons, crossing the plains and stealing my land from my people. Pike's Peak? Mine. Mt Rushmore? Mine. The LaBrea Tarpits? Mine. It's good to be brown, and I am golden brown now, man of bronze, rippling, sinewy, brilliant, gorgeous.

I'll just leave you with that image, to compare to your own sallow bigoted puniness. Pathetic. I feel like I should say something about my penis, but you can search though this blog and satisfy yourself the way I know you want to do.



bob k. mando said...

perhaps of interest to a 'superman' such as yourself.

J said...

I agree, but why the "''" quotes?