An Evening of Public Speaking

...was marvelous, mein Herr, simply marvelous. And might I add that you are looking absolutely fabulous? I don’t know what your secret is, but I wish I had a barrel of it. Guess I'll have to make do with oil, though. Ho hum. [laugher] But all those experiments on the Jews must really have paid off, eh? [laughter and applause] Thank you so much again for coming to speak to us tonight. You were in top form, I’m sure we all agree. Inspiring. Once more, people, let’s give it up for der Mann, und Uberman!

[prolonged clapping, with enthusiastic cheers]

And now, ladies and gentlemen, before we proceed, please let me say again what a pleasure it is to act as your MC tonight. Columbia University has always held a fond place in my heart, and to think that I am standing on the very platform where stood your distinguished Eisenhower -- I'm all aflutter. The Fuehrer is out of the building, right? [laugher]

Our final speaker before this distinguished gathering of scholars and thinkers will be another great leader who has been cutting such a striking figure across the world stage lately. You all know him as that fearless student activist who lead his classmates to such telling effect in the late 1970s ... by the Christian calendar. [jeers and catcalls] And later, whether as a professor at the university [enthusiastic cheering] ... or, or as the head of state, he inspires all who hear him with a sense of wonderment and possibility rarely matched and never surpassed.

But y’know, before we hear from him, please bear with me … I’m moved to depart from the script for a moment, so that I might indulge in a little personal reminiscing.

This is a true story, so help me. It must have been about twenty-five years ago. I was a promising young diplomat toiling in my humble way in the cause of globalistic peace, facing down imperialists and usurers (you know who I mean -- right Hillary?) as best I could. Well, I happened to be transporting some fissionable material out of Niger when my Delorean broke down. I took up my valise and walked to a nearby hut. Knocking on the door, I was intrigued to hear muffled cries issuing from inside, so in I went. And do you know what I saw? I saw a strapping young man snipping off the fingers of a Jew and feeding them to a little puppy. It was a most charming sight, let me tell you. Turns out, the puppy was hungry, and there happened to be a Jew handy, so the solution was obvious. Well, long story short, we became fast friends on the spot and we’ve never looked back.

Now you’ve guessed it already. Who was that young man? None other than our next speaker, the great President of the great and sovereign Islamic Republic of Iran. Put your hands together, people! Let's give it up for Mahmud Ahmadi-Nejad!

[thunderous ovation, giving way to a spontaneous chanting of “Death to Satan, Great and Small,” which mutates into “Great is Diana of the Ephesians” -- order is restored after seventeen minutes]

My. Thank you so much. That was very gratifying. And thank you, Kofi. I cannot tell you how pleasant it is to recall the occasion of our first meeting. I still have the chafing. [wolf calls and laughter] And I kept a souvenir, you know? We'll talk. Let’s just say that puppy didn’t get all the Jew’s appendages, if you know what I mean. [delighted general laughter]

Distinguished Gentlemen, Ladies, and Madam Senator, as I look out upon this sea of faces, I seem to see the world enveloped in a fine and all-pervading green mist. I feel a myriad unblinking eyes, steady as the desert sun, fixed upon me as I stand before you like the promised Imam, revealed and set to lead the world into that perfect Jewless age which our Fuehrer almost managed to achieve. For we know, this august assembly in these hallowed halls of Academe has one and only one true purpose. Need I say it? Of course not. We must destroy the criminal entity known as Zi...